November, 2003

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Sunday, November 30th, 2003

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this is my formal forfeit from life. i give up, etc etc. mostly because it keeps going, i cant keep up, and i keep screwing everyone, including myself, over. i’m not going to commit suicide, i’m just going to stop caring. of course, i’ve tried this before, and failed, so i’m sure i will again.

Song of the Emotion: ‘War On Drugs’ – Barenaked Ladies (lyrics, download)

note: this is unrelated to the topics mentioned below

i broke up with ian last night. yes, it was out of the blue. i dont think it would have worked in the end, and the longer i dated him the harder it would have been on him when we broke up. yes, i’m aware i’m evil, but as hard as it is to believe, i’m not trying to be evil, i just manage very well to be so anyway.

this friday i got up at 4:50 to go shopping. my mom and i bundled up and headed to best buy to try and get me a monitor. we lined up outside at quarter to six in the freezing cold behind about 300 people. the monitors were long gone before we got there. we headed to frys. i got a monitor, it’s a 17″ hyundai flat screen, and i’m very happy with it except that it has 3 dead pixels. luckily we got like a 3 year warrenty for 20$ so frys has to take it back and give me a new one. i also got chicago, the animatrix, an enya cd, and the new barenaked ladies cd. ian met us there at 9 and he got a usb hard drive and a new techno cd. we had lunch at chipotle and had lunch, then hung out at my house till he had to go home.

on saturday i got up at 9 and had lunch with drewish from 12-3. or 12-2. or something like that. it was fun, we talked a long time about everything from abortion to old friends and back to women whose babies got stabbed halfway through being born by the doctor, who then rapes the lady (who cant fight him off because she’s had a spinal epidural and has her legs tied in those stirrups), and then takes her kidneys, leaving her in a dark room in an ice bath. and of course, her husband, who watched his baby get stabbed and his wife get raped while yelling loudly in protest and then was given a neck epidural by the doctor, had hot sauce poured into his nose, and was raped in every orifice before having his kidneys removed as well. we ate at chipotle, in the place they took over from blockbuster.

last night a movie night at pablo’s house. it was fun and it was hell. i’m fucked enough i can do both at the same time. i spent the night and i probably shouldnt have, but eh.

our heat went out today. i arrived home to find my mom and stepdad in the kitchen with the oven on and the oven door open. it was freezing in the house. colder inside than out. it’s fixed now.

i fell sleep after arriving home, wrapped in many sheets, and had long complex dreams involving every friend i think i’ve ever had. the dreams were sad and happy at the same time, and confusing. mostly i was happy with all my friends there together.

i’m supposed to be writing my essay for tulsa right now, but i really cant think right now, my brain is too full, or too empty. as you can tell by my very sparce post, i’m not in a writing mood at all.

Song of the Emotion: ‘Next Time’ – Barenaked Ladies (lyrics, download)

the title of today’s post is based on pablo’s dvd player. thats what it says when nothing is playing, and now it’s eternally burned into my brain, so i thought I’d share it with you.

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Saturday, November 22nd, 2003

Cieux de Purs Cristal

I just woke up from a bad sleep. You know, usually you wake up and you feel warm and cozy and rested; you snuggle back down into the sheets and doze and maybe even fall back to sleep. I had dreams of being in water and not getting enough air and woke up exhausted and not at all comfortable in my bed.

It’s earlier than I usually get up. Most weekend mornings I do wake up at nine, but I go back to sleep till 11 or so.

Even though I’ve not been outside yet, my open window tells me that today is lovely. It reminds me of the weather when I visited University of Washington in St Louis. It’s sunny, clear, but crisp. The wind is lovely and cool. It reminds me of Aberdeen, too. The mornings of it, anyway. Aberdeen summer mornings are wonderful, just like this. Pure skies, crystal sunlight, and a sweetly chilled breeze. In Aberdeens North Sea location though, it never lasts. Around ten the harr (dark gloomy grey clouds that arrive from the North Sea) comes in and after that it’s typical Aberdeen till evening, when it retreats back to sea long enough for a glorious blaze of gold and a wine colored sunset to tint The Grey City bronze before the sun bids its final farewell, the sky darkens, the stars come out, and the harr arrives once more for the night.

In the summer though, the vast majority of the 24-hour day is ‘daylight’ because Aberdeen is so far north. The sun sets around 11pm and rises at around 4am. So you could get a nice clear morning in if you got up early and took advantage of the morning before the harr makes its entrace.

In the winter, of course, it’s the opposite. The sun rises at 9am and quickly retreats back at 3pm. I love that kind of day. You see, the sun hardly gets above the horizon, so it’s just a whole day of sunrise and sunset,; the shadows never shorten that much and the world goes straight from the virgin morning to the firey evening with no lazy, aged midday in between.

And I’ve felt this morning one more place. Tortola, in the British Virgin Islands. We went there with my dad one spring break long ago, and I slept on a cot in the living room of our little 3-room beach house for a reason I don’t really remember. I think I was afraid of the bedroom for some reason. The glass of the big screen door that lead right out onto the beach was left open, so when I awoke in the cool caribbean mornings I was greated with the soft sound of waves, azure blue skies and cool breezes.

I’ve taken long enough to write this now that the morning’s feeling it’s age, but still I can tell it’s purity. It’s happy memories for me, this morning. It makes me think of summers and springs in all ways, from tropical cruises to playing my violin on my front steps in the luminous Aberdeen mornings. A morning when you feel completely happy with every aspect of yourself; a morning when you feel like you’ve been given a second chance to go at the world with. A morning that could lead to any event and all events. A morning.

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Friday, November 21st, 2003

BLah…

i had all this happy post all written about my day, which was pretty much happy. but now, it’s not happy and so i dont really feel like reliving happy. you know how it is. english was ok i guess, but i felt really lightheaded and dizzy and almost like i was going faint even though all i was doing was reading readers digest. then mrs bufkin came over and told me off for not reading hamlet. like i can understand that book, i never understood shakespeare. i was much happier reading my readers digest.. it’s not like i was reading teen people or something.

french.. was usual. lunch was pretty good, sat with my soph peeps and joked and had a general good time and leaned against ian and read readers digest about psychopath murderers.

calc was.. confusing. pattern matching? i see no pattern…. i was tired by the end of it.

8th period was the best, but.. eh.. even the memory of that does little to cheer me right now, i just feel bad. the new computers came in and the old ones were finished imaging, so we switched them out. an hour and 45 minutes of carrying around computers with a group of mostly sophomores. it was good fun and a great laugh. plus it was computers. new computers. plus we got to keep all the windows xp professional disks that came with the computers.. so if you’re interested…. let me know…

i dropped a monitor on my hand it looked.. really cool. lots of raised purple and red bumps and lines with white in the middle. it didnt hurt.. but it looked like i’d severly injured my arm. dunno, ask billy, he saw it.

after school was fun, ian came over and stayed till 6.

but then the day got bad. *sigh* blogs arent very secure and i dont want more people to get into trouble so i dont think it would be good to disclose details now.

*later: 11:37pm*

well, things got better. cameron is in town so he organised some peeps together (me, mel, oj, matt) and we drove around, went to burger king, hung out at subway (way longer than is healthy on a friday night) and then went to the coffee house. i didnt eat anything cuz since 9 i’ve been fasting for bloodwork tomorrow (like nick did a while back.. for some reason that sticks in my mind, his post about that). then ian called and, simplifying things a bit, the result is i’m allowed to go over to his place and see him tomorrow, and that he’s allowed to talk on the phone as much as he wants, so that is worth much happiness pour moi.

for now though, prep for bed, phone w/ian, then sleep

*update posted: 12:55am*

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Monday, November 17th, 2003

Upon Arriving Home:

It’s POURING!! RAIN EVERYWHERE!! it’s awesome. visibility is practically non-existant and it’s all hazy-misty. we had trouble finding where exactly the turn in of our driveway was. walking just from the sheltered place near the band hall to the car got me abosoltely soaked! it’s great. hip hurrah for rain! it’s beautiful

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Monday, November 17th, 2003

To Make Fickity Fick

yea yea.. i know i posted recently, and i have absolutely nothing more to post about. i’m just sittin in comp sci 8th period and being boooorrreeeddd… ><;; via netware message send i converse with billy somewhat, but he's, you know, actually in class and stuff so, you know, he has to do stuff like 'pay attention‘ and ‘learn‘ and crazy shit like that. so while this class is being attentive and while i dont feel like being productive, i am being bored.

while(Period8Class.Attentive() && !Em.Productive() )

{

      Em.Status = bored;

}

i think someone went into my head and turned my brain off. i’m exhausted. i couldnt think to save my life right now, i swear. blah.

tonight hopefully i’ll go see the play.. Alice in Wonderland starring (as far as i’m concerned) Emilah Dahling. the whole cast switches out.. so there’s two casts.. and i was worried that perhaps emily wouldnt be performing today, but turns out the other queen failed on her report card, so she’s the only one left! bwahaha. so that should be fun. might pick up ian (if he’s allowed to go) on the way. maybe billy too, depending. fun stuff. i’d pick up pablo but he’s so far away.. though i could use the driving time…..

i want my license sooo badly. now that i’m hanging with a gang that are all underclassmen and cant drive (ians bday is in may, billy’s in june, and pablo’s green card got confiscated by the govt, so he cant get his) it is imperative i get my license asap. it’s funny to look around (even when out with kathy and the sophs) and realise i’m the oldest one.. what a change! lol. eh, c’est la vie (that’s french billy)

i’m really happy cuz i got a 790 on my SAT II Bio, which made me feel happy. my writing is yet to be graded (hopefully i did half-decently) but i did bad on the math (600). it was the last section i did tho, so i knew when i was taking it i was doing badly.. my brain was fried and it was taking me way too long to do simple things. i’ll take it again and i’m pretty sure i can raise that score quite a bit.

i made a 98 on my catch-22 oral presentation in english. i’d say that was pretty good for having done it off the cliff notes. i’m finishing reading the book.. i just ran out of time before i had to do the essay and the project. i made a 100, actually, but got -2 for saying ‘ass,’ as in, ‘he’s pretty much trying to save his own ass.’ or something along those lines…

still 20 minutes left of class!! blah. random blogging topics.. trying to think.. brain not working… *head implodes* i dont know. life is all weird right now. i’m fucking some things up really badly and they’re hanging over my head and have been bugging me all day. ale, i’m sorry. i was being a bitch last night, i dunno why. you’re right, tho. *sacrifices young bulls for forgiveness* im’a try and redeem myself… : /

haha.. they’re workin on the tower of hanoi.. i remember workin on that…

i’m hungry, and my head hurts. not really sure why for either one.

i renamed my b-day lunch crew. of the juniors, the blonde one is now The Nazi, because he looks like a nazi. the other one (brown hair) is The Halfbreed, cuz he’s half messican and half whiteboy, but he doesnt look messican. pablo is, of course, The Messican. billy is Juden or The Jew.. cuz he’s blonde and has some weird colored light eyes. ian is The British one or Man U Sux. maybe thats not a name, but eh, it works (and it’s true)

seven more minutes to kill. it’s not been too bad, has it? tripp imed me and billy stopped learning so i have got some distraction.

i found out emilah dahling’s bday was on saturday!! i feel bad because i didnt know. so today during english i took a dollar from myself and wrote all over it and colored it in highlighter. it was her birthday dollar which she then pinned to her shirt. people will give her money all day and it will be my present to her.. a money-making scheme. i’m so nice. X P. but i do feel bad for missing her birthday… so here emilah, pour tu!:

Happy Birthday Emilah Dahling!

one minute left! ok, i’m out!

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Sunday, November 16th, 2003

Life as a Sim and Horny Cats

dad is gone. exhausted. he’s asking gerdt (his millionaire best friend and boss who attended UTAustin for a while) to buy me a jeep. i mentioned this to my mom and i’m not sure what her reaction was. so we’ll see if em gets a jeep or not. it’d be pretty cool.

somehow convinced my dad to take me to frys yesterday and got some nice new sony headphones (street style) while lusting over the flatscreen my mom still owes me. then we went to tony romas (good stuff) where my dad and i devoured two full slabs, a baked potato, fries, and two corn on the cobs. damn. i love tony romas.

then we proceeded back to the hotel to watch ‘pirates of the caribbean’ which is an awesome funny movie. i want to be a pirate when i grow up. (if i grow up…)

you can thank the lack of description of my second dream the other night to blogger loosing the rest of my post. it was about me being chased by people trying to kill me and my little sisters/brother. i defeated one of them by kicking him hard between the legs. fun stuff, but shit scary at the time. i actually had the dream twice in a row, once with my mom, stepdad, elizabeth, little sisters, and kenneth (yes i have lots of weird dream with mixes of my family members) and once with my sophomores, ian, billy, and pablo. go figure.

watched most of ‘hackers’ today at ians house. funny stuff.. so old! t’was nice to relax for a while after this stressful week.

now i’m going to go play sims. i can now continue the game i left off when Psyche (silver samsung laptop) broke. i killed off some wife and her daughter so the husband can marry another girl of mine i like better. i’m so evil. i love power trips.

lotp: when cats are left home alone…. (i love the end.. )

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Saturday, November 15th, 2003

When You Dream…

So far, so good. since my sister ran out things have been going smoother. not a hella lot, but some. enough to make life that little bit more standable. well stuff blah school sleep eat food argue ignore zone out school sleep blah blah blah yadda yadda etc etc. look forward to being with friends, look forward to sunday, look forward to next friday. blah blah blah more yadda yadda etc etc yadda.

i’ve been having weird dreams. i figure thats the only thing worth posting on right now, so thats what i’m posting about. thursday night i had this very strange dream. everybody i know at school was there.. all of class of 2004, anyway. it was some pool party so everyone was in swimsuits and towels. for some reason i wasnt really hanging out with my friends, instead i was with a group of people i only know as aquaintences. but i remember wondering where my sophomores and ian were, and i remember kathy askin where ian was. that was pretty much the dream.

last night, though, i had some fucked up dreams. the first one was in england in the sinderhope trekking center, which is where we go to go horseback riding when we’re over there. i was waiting in the little room inside when my sister came running in saying that she’d already been riding. i was mad cuz i hadnt been able to go yet and so i went into the barn to see if there were any horses saddled up for me to ride. when i got in there were two horses standing there (this is what i noticed at first) so i patted them. then i noticed one had a horse strapped onto its back, so i went to pet it, but i realised it was dead. well, that’s pretty disturbing. so i step back and notice there’s dead horses strapped to the walls. being just a little freaked out by this, i ran back into the living room. i sat there for a while wondering why all these dead horses were around, then i crept back into the barn to see if they were still there. they were kind of gone. hanging from the roof in the middle of the room (where the two standing horses had been) was a horses head, and there were horsese heads hanging from all the walls.

since my sister’d left, i was all alone on this farm place and so i ran outside to the little yard place to see if anyone was there. there were like a zillion dogs running around, puppies, so i petted them to make sure they were real and not dying and then i saw this little person running up some stairs. there was an old old building you see, really more of a roman ruin or something, with stairs embedded in one of the outside walls. they were just stones sticking out of the wall, and had no railing. first i thought the little person was my brother kenneth, so i ran up the stairs after him shouting for him to wait, because i wanted to find out where everyone was. he kept running, i kept running, then i heard my brothers voice from underneith me saying (among many things) ‘those stairs arent very stable, they’re going to collapse soon.’

i realised that the little person i was chasing was one of my little sisters, and that just made me run faster because i was afraid she’d fall over the side of the stairs. then, true to my brother’s statement, the stairs started to give way. my sister started falling and i started falling, and then i woke up with a start. it was a bad disturbing dream. it took me a while to get back to sleep….

when i finally did i had another dream

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Tuesday, November 11th, 2003

Fuck My Family

For a very long time i’ve been saying i’m insane. well, i changed my mind. i think i’m the only one in my family who’s sane. today my sister walked out on my dad and walked home. that takes balls, you say. no, i say. that is the cowardly way out. that is the ‘me me me i’m a selfabsorbed bitch’ way out. so now… now… things are going to be fucked up. i dont know whats going to happen but it aint going to be pretty. this is going to fuck things over. it’s going to fuck me over. and i’ve been putting up with all this in hopes to calm things down and fix stuff. i’ve also learned that both my parents are bastards who cant be trusted or relied on. who have lied to me repeatedly and will keep doing so. who are in this for all the wrong reasons: power. money.

i hate my family. i dont want to go back to the hotel and face my dad, i dont want to go back home and be with my mom. i want to go move in with emily or katie or kathy or ANYBODY.

i’m tired of this mess. and most of all, i’m tired of not being able to get online and talk to my friends for hours when i’m tired and stressed and sad and angry and confused to get advice and calm down. i’m tired of not even being able to go somewhere private (like my room) and being able to be by myself. i’m tired of having to keep up this facade from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep. and when i’m at school i stay cheerful. because who wants to be around a depresso? so i’ll be happy because it makes other people happy and that makes me feel better. really all i want to do is just collapse on top of someone and lay there for days while just dumping and dumping and dumping everything off my chest….

fuck everything. i’m so damn tired…

thank you ian. thank you drew. thank you gentry.

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Monday, November 10th, 2003

Take a Deep Breath and Scream (Revised)

i’m alive, but barely. BLAH. firstly, i just would like to say thank you to all who are making my time more bearable and putting up with rather limited convos with me over my cell so i dont go insane : )

here also: a link to my completion of the thing that billy posted

aiya. aiyaiya.

*sigh*

let’s see… this weekend was mostly bad. my dad came on friday and i found out no one had informed him that my sister wouldnt be there cuz she was off running area cross-country in lubbock. so i got yelled at for that. so then my grandmother gave me a hella nice guilt trip about not giving my dad a present on his bday while my dad yelled at my stepdad about something or another. so friday night we ate at chic-fil-a and went to bed. i stayed up a while chatting on my cell to ian and a little to gentry.

saturday i am awaken at 8:30 because my dad doesnt believe in sleeping in. we have a hotel breakfast, then i get a huge long lecture/yelling at about how i have too much confidance for my own good and how dare i defy the system that has been in place and has worked for 10 years, etc etc. he talks about how the only people who have any say in what happens this summer are him and me and me only if i fit into his plans… how what elizabeth wants doesnt matter, and how my mom shouldnt be encouraging us to change things. then he goes on to say about how talking to a family therapist wont help anybody and how he’s going to refuse changing the contract. he pisses me off but i sit silently and take it, since there’s no point in saying anything cuz i know he’ll just overpower me. so we’re late to see this therapist guy, and then my dad decides he wants to talk to him instead of me (who the appointment was made for) and i end up getting about 15 minutes in which to explain everything thats going on and stuff to this guy. blah.

so then we head to the stockyards and have some lunch (ribs that were nasty) and my dad buys some old movie poster for $85 he thinks he can resell for about 5 times as much in britain.

we head back to the hotel, i do some hw, then i go out with ian, kathy, insane billy, and tim from austin to see matrix reloaded. when kathy called from reception to say she was here i was so happy to get away i ran full speed (i havnt run that fast in years) from my room to the lobby. AHH! ESCAPE AT LAST!!! so we picked up ian, then insane billy and tim from austin and headed to lowes. t’was fun. for more detail see ian’s xanga (ew.. xanga!!). then dropped everyone off home and on the way back to the hotel my mom calls and we argue about my dad and i complain about stuff. my sister gets home late from lubbock and ends up spending the night at home (lucky) and not coming over till noon sunday.

sunday we get up, have breakfast, and i start workin on hw. i work all day w/o lunch cuz my dad isnt hungry. about 6 we have dinner at outback steakhouse and i have my first ever steak. rather dissappointing if you ask me… find out jacob works there, didnt know that.

come home, stay up late working.

monday get up, eat small breakfast, go to hospital, come back to school, celebrate a lot at my return to my house and eat a large lunch while doing a lot of other stuff. return early and find out there’s a test in orch… but luckily it’s been cancelled *phew*

stayed up late last night to finish stupid engilsh proj but had a chance to get online and really talk to people, which was fun. well bell about to ring so g2g but hopefully i’ll post again later tonight at the HOSA meeting if i can… byebye!

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Friday, November 7th, 2003

Brace Thyself…

well ok, you (lucky person) do not have to brace yourself. i do, and am. my dad is coming tomorrow and i’m just.. ARGH. i have so much shit to get done this weekend i know he’s gonna yell at me for having so much hw… like it’s my fault. plus it’s another week of sneaking adderall and another week of hearing him moan about my general hw load. not much internet access will i have, not much access to friends in general. you can call my cell but my talking for very long is only a maybe… better chances with my mobile sn. but dont forget if you send too much i dont get it, and if you send things too fast they scroll out of my memory, so i dont see them. plus it takes me longer to type, so keep that in mind.

the other thing i’m dreading about my dad coming is that my mom’s trying to take steps to change the custody agreement between her and my dad. this means the two of them have to go to a family therapist and talk things over. this means the two of us (libby and i) have to go to a family therapist and talk things over. ARGH. i know i’ll never hear the end of this from my dad, or my grandmother (who is also coming). *sigh* i guess i hope at least that something will be fixed so that elizbeth and i have more say in when we come over instead of just going by these set rules that my dad can take advantage with. *sigh again*

i’m just sick of having to deal with all this shit. it exhausts me just thinking about it. i hate the way my dad and grandmother use guilt trips like mofos and i hate the way his money forces us to do what he wants so much. i hate the fact that i feel i’m wasting my numbered weekends as a senior sitting with him in a hotel room. i hate the fact i feel that no matter what else i do my life still seems to revolve around my visits to see him.

*sigh*

…in other news, my silver samsung laptop is fixed. it broke about 3 months ago (i only got it 4 months ago) and finally, it’s fixed. i am muchos happy. so maybe i will be able to get online sometimes when i’m at the hotel. those of you who’ve seen my laptop know it’s a freaking awesome laptop… so yes, it’s nice to have it working again, i must admit.

lastly, some convos are up on the site, so here you go

hopefully i’ll be able to post some during 8th period during the week… but with the blocks i might not be able to read any comments i get or read anybody else’s blogs. blarg.

link of the post: not too much this time, sorry

well, wish me luck.

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