November 4th, 2003 browsing by day


Tuesday, November 4th, 2003

Fentanyl and Versed, Please

well fuck. obviously things have been going nicely for the last few days, so you know what that means. that means things fuck up. well, as usual, they’ve been quite efficient and done a good job taking care of that little mandatory task.

i cant say too much about the main way things have fucked up, because it’s really not for me to share around, but i will say, for those who know and for those who it matters to that i have cried and that i hurt. and that i hope, as pablo says, that it will get better, somehow. and to someone i say two things: please, please, please, talk to gentry… and please, please, please dont forget pablo. it’s unfair to him.

oh and btw before you decide to play detective, it’s not ale, i’m cool with him.

< attempt to lighten mood >

so today em went on a field trip to the docs. i dislike my doctor very much, but i’ll spare you that, it’s a post in itself.

i’m not dying or anything, mostly it was a checkup for my Adderall to make sure it’s not killing me or anything. i also got the paperwork for my quarterly bloodwork i have to have done to make sure it’s not eroding my kidneys or poisoning my liver. so thats cool, because i like bloodwork.

i also discussed with the doc this problem i’ve been having sleeping. it’s been bothering me on and off for a month now but last night was the worst ever. i’m hoping by putting it here someone can give me advice maybe? it only bothers me on nights when i go to bed early or i go to bed without being really tired. if i am tired enough to go straight to sleep it’s no problem, but if i can lay for a few minutes without falling asleep it happens.

what happens is i start to doze, then suddenly i feel a tingle all over my body like electricity, then a bigger tingle just inside my brain.. like.. i donno. like all the neurons in my brain are firing at once and it causes a feel-able jolt like a 9volt battery or something. the only way i can describe it is a tingle. but it’s a really uncomfortable tingle, almost painful. it jolts me back awake and i sit for a minute, then i start to doze.. then it happens again. last night it went on for an hour and i was miserable. i couldnt get to sleep and after a while i got scared of drifting off because of this feeling. i have no idea what might have caused it.

for any of you who might have suggestions it might be helpful for you to know that about 2 years ago i had another weird experience with sleep in that i would doze off, then suddenly wake up and be unable to move. not like there was something physically wrong, but like my brain wasnt attached to my body. i couldnt talk, open my eyes, move my arms, anything, but i was wide awake. if i concentrated really really hard i could usually move my finger or my foot just enough to break the thing (i use that wording because it was like being hypnotised or under a spell) and then i could move like normal. it freaked me out so much that even though i was in 10th grade i refused to try and go to sleep without my mom sitting beside me because i was so scared that one night i’d jolt awake and not be able to move ever again.

so yea. i’m fucked up somehow, but then, that’s not new, is it? lol.

any advice on why i cant sleep and all this weird stuff happens to me would be greatly appreciated….

oh and another happier side is i’m dating ian danahay (yea, that’s emily’s little brother). yea, he’s two years younger than me and the same age as my sister’s bf, but he’s also 6 inches taller than me so it breaks even, lol. naw, he’s cool. he, billy, pablo and i (in case you havnt been able to tell) have been hanging out and damn it’s fun…

< / attempt to lighten mood >

we’ll see how it all goes….

ps: fyi, Fentanyl is a narcotic and Versed is a sedative of the vallium family. when used together they make a very effective anesthetic and produce an amnestic (adj of amnesia) effect, sending you into a warm, drugged sleep. this can be applied many ways to my current situation.

  • Share/Save/Bookmark