February, 2004

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Thursday, February 26th, 2004

Going AWOL

well, i’ll probably be going to spend this week till sunday with my dad in the hotel. i should be coming home sunday afternoon sometime. i’ll be at school, of course, and i’ll be taking with me my aim-enabled phone, so you can contact me on frzfre666 if needed. of course, you can also just call. i’ll be taking my laptop and should be online some, from the lobby, but i’d be on more if i could get a good signal from the room. (so annoying! i get a weak signal that drops every time someone walks between me and the router in the lobby..) maybe i’ll have some luck and pick up a signal, maybe not.

wish unto me luck

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Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Come and Hold My Hand
I Want to Contact the Living…

so my last couple posts have been overflowing with anger and frustration.. hopefully this one will be a little more thought out.

right now, i’m feeling lost. i’m feeling detached. i feel like i’ve got this vague idea of where i should be headed but i cant quite be sure of what’s going on… everythings blurry around me, a background against the weight on my mind. at school i can join in on the jokes, i can listen to the lectures, but never more than a few seconds pass before my mind is again caught by the same feelings and thoughts. i’m haunted, and i can’t get away.

the feeling bothers me, i dont know what it is, i only know i want to get away from it. it’s the dread, the ice-cold knowledge that something bad has happened, and bad things are continuing to happen, and no matter what, i cant do anything about it. it’s the fear of the unknown, not knowing what’s coming next on my blurry path. it’s the solid, heavy truth that i’m not really here, to anybody.

it constantly nags me, because i dont know what to do, i dont know how to solve it. usually, i’m very good at tuning into my body physically, pausing for a moment, and knowing where to press on my head to cure a sinus headache, or where to rub a sore arm so it stops hurting; how to stretch my back to let the ache escape, or what kind of position to lie in to let my muscles relax. i can tell what to eat to fix a strange hunger-sensation, and what to drink and when to prevent my dehydration (though i often ignore this one). i can also help myself mentally, knowing what activity to take up to ease my stressed mind or help me think about something; to clear my head of thoughts or lift me out of a depressed state.

but this is different, and i dont know what to do. i feel helpless, trapped. i can lie down, i can stretch, i can eat and drink, i can mentally relax and distract myself… but to no avail, i’m still trapped with this sinking in the bottom of my stomach, this distraction from the world. i want to forget it, i want to chase it away, get on with my life. go back to being fully consumed by the things i do. stop forcing others to listen to my whining, worrying, and confusion. stop making others wonder at my distracted attention, my tentative and sad voice. i feel encased in ice, unreachable. but at the same time, i feel like too much of the world is getting in. sitting in my room, i want to shut the doors and keep everyone out. i want my room to be what it is to me: a sanctuary. i want it to be safe, free from all the things going on the outside, an escape. but it’s not. somehow all these things got in, and they filled up my room, surrounding me. i cant even stand to look at my own desk surface, it seems contaminated with bad things. my monitor, my keyboard, my mouse, and me. those are the only things that are safe. even my speakers are trying to break inside me, and my bed offers little shelter from the haunting late-night thoughts. i want to be far away, and i want to stay right here forever. i dont want uncertainty, i dont want to be distanced from love and comfort.. but i want to be cleaved from these bumbling people with their flimsy attempts at salvage.

Come and hold my hand,

I want to contact the living..

Not sure I understand

This road I’ve been given..

I sit and talk to God,

And he just laughs at my plans..

My head speaks a language

I don’t understand..

my dad has confirmed his coming on thursday, staying till sunday. but when i found out, it wasnt the releif that i thought i’d feel last night if he came. his message left on my cell phone voicemail was distracted, businesslike. he’s coming to discuss elizabeth, he has little intrest in nor time for me during his short stay. i can read this message, along with my mom. i’ve been blocked out. they all looked at me before i had time to gather my thoughts, but now that they’ve had time to come up with their own ideas on what to do, i’ve been placed back into ‘little teenager’ status. yes, i know nothing, have no idea what’s best for anybody. it’s funny how even though i know nothing i can usually predict my sister’s actions so clearly, or be so right about something related to that. but i gave up long ago trying to my mom listen. i started again, but it’s useless again.

i feel.. the same way you do when you hear about something really horrible or stupid happening.. bush doing something, for example.. and you want to just slap him, take control, and fix it, or do it the obviously better way, but you can’t, obviously. i feel like that, but so much more acutely, because i’m not so far away from people taking what i have to say into consideration. i’m so close.

I don’t want to die

But I ain’t keen on livin’ either..

Before I [loose the] love

I’m preparin’ to leave her..

Scare myself to death

That’s why I keep on running..

Before I’ve arrived

I can see myself coming..

i’m scared. i dont even know what i’m scared of. i want love, i want comforting. i want smiles and hugs. i want appreciation. i dont know what anybody could possibly appreciate me for, but i crave it. recognition? again, i dont know what for. maybe just.. recognition as a person.

recognition as Emma.

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Monday, February 23rd, 2004

i’m standing here SCREAMING the obvious and NOBODY IS LISTENING

well. first thing. first thing is, i had a little nosebleed the other day, and i let it drip all over the sink and then took pictures. just to show a little nosebleed. it really was a little nosebleed.. it only lasted 6 minutes and there was only that much blood. the pictures were taken after the blood had sat a while (while i cleaned up my nose and drank some water) so quite a bit of it went down the drain, but you can see about the area it covered, if not the volume. i’ve had much, much, much worse nosebleeds. usually they last about 30 minutes and bleed harder than the one shown. as you can see, that’s a freakin lot of blood. woozy from donating blood my ass. heh : ). so anyway, keep in mind these pictures have (duh) blood in them, yadda yadda, so the weak stomach-ed and mind-ed shouldnt view:

picture 1

picture 2

picture 3

picture 4

so yes. i’m really tired of having nosebleeds.

on other notes: i got my room a little tidy. all my clothes are now not in a huge pile 4 feet tall on my desk.

on other notes: here is a little bit a lot of a convo i had with someone, explaining my extreme dislike of everything in the world… the person i’m conversing with is referred to as ‘[person]‘ and the shit happening right now is referred to as ‘[event]‘ wherever it was referenced… other stuff is blocked out too:

Loweaugen: i’m not mad at you..

Loweaugen: just my mom..

[person]: why?

Loweaugen: my sister might be coming home on wednesday..

Loweaugen: and my mom is going to go to school to talk about changing some of her classes

Loweaugen: which is stupid

Loweaugen: because whether she was in honors or not didnt make [event happen]

Loweaugen: she’s smart enough to handle all honors classes and she’s already dropped bio

Loweaugen: anyway, it’s really stupid she should drop classes before one of the two soccer teams she plays on

Loweaugen: she’s wanted to drop honors for a long time for no reason at all

Loweaugen: now she can make people do it

Loweaugen: what needs to be done is that people need to go to [place] and find out what she was talking about

Loweaugen: that’s the only way to really find out why

[person]: but they can’t

Loweaugen: if [other event] they would have

[person]: yeah.. but [other event didnt happen]

[person]: so it’s unlikely they could easily

Loweaugen: i thought my mom had finally started being smart

Loweaugen: this weekend

Loweaugen: she made the point that elizabeth thinks she’s gonna come home and go back to her same life

Loweaugen: but she cant, she’s not going to

Loweaugen: and i thought ‘good, she’s finally starting to get it’

Loweaugen: but i realise, it doesnt matter. she will anyway, whether my mom intends it now or not.

Loweaugen: everything’ll go back to being just the same

Loweaugen: my mom’s too afraid to enforce anything

[person]: talk to her about it

Loweaugen: so everything’ll be just the same but life’ll be easier for elizabeth

Loweaugen: i try

Loweaugen: she tells me ‘tell me what you think tell me what you think i need to know’

Loweaugen: but she doesnt listen

Loweaugen: she just says that to help her feel better and supposedly help me feel better and so she follows the advice of doctors and crap

Loweaugen: my dad is the only one who’s listened so far

Loweaugen: i hope he comes

Loweaugen: my mom asks me what ithink then she says ‘it’s not your problem’

Loweaugen: ‘it’s not your business’

Loweaugen: so i’m waiting for dinner

Loweaugen: and i hope i get to argue

Loweaugen: and i’m mad at her

Loweaugen: and i’m mad at my sister, who will go back to school a tragic hero and get everything she wants from my mom

Loweaugen: i’m mad at myself for being angry she’s coming back because i dont have to listen to her music blaring and i dont have to clean up the bathroom after her, [disgusting stuff done to clean up after sister], or clean the bathtub of crusted soap and shaving creme after her, or realise after getting in the shower there’s no soap or shaving creme left cuz she’s used it up, or realise there’s no toilet paper left, and even if i wait a few days she’ll never get more shaving creme, or soap, or toilet paper, or another lightbulb for one that’s burned out, i’ll always end up doing it.

Loweaugen: and that i dont want her to come home because i dont want to see her get my mom sad, or yell at my dad, or roll her eyes at la, or smear her makeup all over the counter, or not eat anything and my mom act like it’s ok, or be a stupid vegetarian and never eat what we eat and always eat microwave food, or always eat as fast as possible, roll her eyes and leave in a huff, or sit in a pissy mood while everyone else is trying to be happy.

Loweaugen: but i’m tired of trying to get people to listen, i dont care. they can worship elizabeth if they want…

[....]

[person]: if I could make her stop being a teenager, I would

Loweaugen: i’m a teenager. i have been a teenager. i was never as unconcerned with other people and the property i share with them as she is

Loweaugen: it’s not her being a teenager. it’s her not caring when other people ask her to do a little to clean up after herself

Loweaugen: that’s just being generally polite

Loweaugen: but screw her i dont care

Loweaugen: i’m going to go read

[....]

Loweaugen: grrrr….

Loweaugen: my mom just tried to use [event] as an excuse for keeping our bathroom clean

Loweaugen: OH MY GOD

Loweaugen: WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY FAMILY

Loweaugen: the bathroom being clean and [event] are not related at all!

Loweaugen: no matter if she calls it ‘a structured addition to our daily lives’ or whatever bullshit name she gives it

Loweaugen: i argued with her about it and she pretty much admitted that’s just what she was doing, too

Loweaugen: omg that pisses me off

Loweaugen: she’s been bugging us about that bathroom since we got it

Loweaugen: now she’s jumping at the chance to use this as an excuse that it has to be clean??!

Loweaugen: arghH!

Loweaugen: i feel like i’m trapped in a world if idiots!!

Loweaugen: and they’re all related to me!!

Loweaugen: i just want to tear out my hair i’m so frustrated

Loweaugen: i’m standing here SCREAMING the obvious and NOBODY IS LISTENING

Loweaugen: why cant i stop caring??!

Loweaugen: why cant i just say ‘screw my sister they can do what they want’… and really really mean it??!

Loweaugen: and let her be fucked

Loweaugen: arghhh arghhhh

so see?

it’s funny in a demented kind of way the way my posts can change attitude so quickly… *sigh* oh well.

most of you people like or have no opinion on my sister, but i dont care. i’m venting anyway. i need it. badly. before i hurt somebody.

grrrr

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Sunday, February 22nd, 2004

You’re No Jesus
You’re No Elvis
You’re No Answer

so because of all the shit going on right now, since all this stuff started happening, my mom came in this morning right after i’d woken up and told me she was concerned because i’ve been home alone so much this last week. tis true, but all i want her to do is make sure that this week coming up i have plenty of microwave/oven food to eat (since i know i’ll be alone more). i donno. i dont mind being alone so much, i’m used to it. libby started playing soccer in the 5th grade and since then my mom and LA have spent lots and lots of time making sure they’re at her games and stuff, so i’m used to being alone a lot and making my own meals. but eh, whatever.

so my mom made it up to me today by having lunch with me and taking me shopping. i got some new jeans (which i need), some capris for spring, a black tank top, a beige spaghetti strap with little glittery things on it, and a prom dress. yes, a prom dress (and shoes). we just looked around casually but then i found one i thought looked neat, and showed it to my mom. she didnt really like it, but i told her i was going to try it on anyway, and did. well, it looked really awesome. there was a blue one that looked really cool, but it was so… ‘typical prom dress’ style, and this one is really kind unique and different, so i think i’ll be the only one there in it, or in something similar to it. so yes.

but yea. i donno. life’s just weird now. my dad might be coming on thursday and staying till sunday.. and i am actually not minding.. dare i say.. even hoping?!? he comes… i’m not sure why. i dont know, maybe saying ‘hoping’ is going too far. maybe it’s just because i know he’ll buy me things and pay attention to me. maybe i do crave attention. i dont know.

i’ve been meaning to get a lot of things done lately, but i have gotten none of them done. my room is still a mess. that’s my main goal, get my room livable in again. *sigh* i dont know. the weekends seem to pass so fast with so little getting done. usually i only get to finish what gets started or broken open on the weekend, which leaves me back on sunday night without having accomplished anything but remaining about the same as i was on friday night, except usually my room’s a bit more messy still.

i’m just kind of depressed right now, nothing seems to be working out.

life’s overrated.

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Friday, February 20th, 2004

Je voudrais dormir…

so here i am. awake. indeed. i ended up pulling an all-nighter to get the stupid english paper finished. i might post it just cuz i think the idea behind it is really neat, even if the paper ended up being jumbled, confusing, unsupported, and containing rather a large amount of ‘fluff’. but hey, i wrote it from about 5pm to 5am so give me some slack. my concentration was shot, thats why it took me so damn long. oh well. mrs bufkin better like it, or at least give me a half-decent grade. as long as i pass english, my caring for much else as far as that is concerned is very very itty-bitty.

i have a french test over future tense today. not too hard, for the most part, just take the ‘to’ form of the verb and add -ai, -as, -a, -ons, -ex, -ont (corresponding with je, tu, il/elle/on, nous, vous, ils/elles). the problem is that there’s about a zillion irregular verb stems i have to memorise.. the only one i can remember right now is aller.. it’s ir-… and er… oh yea, nettoyer is nettoier-… i think maybe faire is ferr-..? dahh. i’d better study. but when?? it’s 7th period is french. yesterday in orchestra i was happy cuz i realised i could say easily ‘je voudrais tu aller au supermarché demain, d’accord?’ which translates to ‘i would like you to go to the store (supermarket) tomorrow, ok?’ which i figure will be handy if i ever decide that my husband is going to learn french and we’re going to speak it so i can raise a cool bilingual child. also useful would be ‘Vas-tu au supermarché! Maintenant!’ (Go to the store! Now!). and, thanks to my mad french skillz from the last chapter, i can now give fashion and hair advice! hellz yea.

i also have a calc test. i’m pretty much screwed for this one, i’ve not had a spare moment to think about calc the amount i have to in order to do decently on his tests. hopefully lunch will allow me to be slightly enlightened.

i’ve gotten 14 hours of sleep in the last.. 93 hours. i’m pretty tired. by the end of my school day (no 8th period = 1:15) it’ll be about 99 hours with 14 hours of sleep. w00t i’m so falling asleep during my tests today….

well i’m off to school now to FAIL. i should have been studying my french verbs. damn you people for distracting me!

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Thursday, February 19th, 2004

I Gots Me A Limeade, So Life Is Good

so yea.. life’s been weird this week. i’ve had bad day after bad day, and it doesnt look like they’ll be getting better till at least friday afternoon (when school gets out THANK GOD). it’s ranged from being left at lamar when my carpool drove off without me to having more nosebleeds (including one at lunch that made me about 30 minutes late for orchestra) to having 4 tests, a calc proj, and an english paper due in 2 days to even more strange and weird and bad things.

but i’m here, i’m alive, i’ve survived, and all (sarcasm) i have to do is write an english paper, study for french, and study for calc. yea….. i’m screwed. but you know, i have this luvly strawberry limeade from sonic that i got, so that brings happiness points. wow, i’m so going to fall asleep before i finish my english paper….

off i go to the land of english.. *sigh*

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Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

God Didn’t Like My Comment On Drew’s Site and So Decided to Strike Me Down

i’m sorry god. i’m on your side. please fix things..

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Sunday, February 15th, 2004

Glitter and Stars

apart from eroding the lining of my throat away, loosing two cups of blood, being unable to pop my ears, having my brains drain out of my nostrils, and now coughing my lungs up i had one of the best weekends ever (and it’s not over yet). i wish i could include more details, but i refrain. for those of you who understand, it was beautiful. for those of you who dont, i like purple.

i could say i wish i hadnt been sick so i could have enjoyed it more, but if i hadnt been sick i think a lot of the goodness of this weekend would have been lost. still, it sucked being so sick.

emmas good advice for the week: don’t catch whatever i’ve got

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Monday, February 9th, 2004

I’m Cool

hahaha

mozilla firebird decided to be really cool, so who could they look for as inspiration to be cool?

hellz yea. they looked at the em, aka firefoxx

mozilla firebird’s now firefox! heheh!


Firefox – The Browser, Reloaded”>Get Firefox

^.^ ^.^ ^.^

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Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Schwing!

hi.

i’m not dead. (the rumours arent true)

er.. yea. my heart-felt apologies for not posting in.. years.. well no, not really. i mean, i apologise (-ze? -se? -ze?), but.. yea..

*Cough* anyway

so, i’ve been fairly busy lately, but i’ve actually had lots of spare time, so i dont really have an excuse for not posting except i cant be bothered to remember and recite what’s been going on, and nothing extrordinarily exciting has happened lately.. i dont think. if it did, i cant remember it at the moment. well, i guess kindof exciting is that without meaning to i beat the pegs game on my calculator, which is kindof sad because i really liked that game.

mostly i’ve been sqandering my spare time away by working on a tentative new design for my site, which involved teaching myself how to use an actual picture-editing program that wasnt paint (which is what i have always used till now). paint is awesome, but unfortunately, not awesome enough. so i downloaded gimp (the windows version) and it’s pretty cool, though i found out that in order for it to be really cool you have to go locate a million random plugins strewn across the internet. ‘screw that’ i said, and set about doing things the very manual, time-consuming, and not-so-elaborate, but plug-in-free way. so far i’m very pleased with my background-thing and am working on the other aspects of the site. i’m not sure wtf i’m going to call it though, a spark of creativity has yet to hit me from that angle, i guess. i’m not even sure if i’ll a) finish it or b) put it into action, but eh, we’ll see how it turns out.

let’s see.. i’m sure more has been going on. mrs. bufkin is still pissing us all off in a very usual manner, calculus has been lovely the last few days due to project, acdec, and mr bond being sick, but is now headed back down the path of Dante’s Inferno (which i tested over today). everything else is usual, and physics is just plain annoying, what with all this CASTLE electricity crap that makes no sense at all. the thing that really pisses me off is that they avoid at all costs actually telling you the actual facts about electricity, or capacitors, or magnetic fields, or whatever, so you never know if you made the right assumptions or if you screwed your circuit up or it isnt working the way you think the packet says it should. like when it told me to tap a piece of wire across a charged capacitor and then see if it discharged and lit up bulbs in a circuit. dr reimer and the packet said the wire would cause the capacitor to discharge, so it wouldnt light the bulbs in the circuit. well, i guess i tap too fast (thy holy packet sayed ‘tap as faste as ye can’) cuz mine still lit up the bulbs.

two days ago i went down to barnes and nobles and treated myself to two luvly books, the five people you meet in heaven and lord of the flies. five people is a great book and i highly recommend it. it is religous to a point (heaven, duh), but the true message in it isnt [necessarily] religious. it’s a short read, perfect for a rainy afternoon when your spirits are low (as it was here yesterday).

lord of the flies is a great book i read for the first time in 8th grade, all in one night cuz i couldnt put it down. it’s definitely one of my all-time favorites. if you are currently in or are going to be in regulars senior english then you read it, but if not and you havnt read it, read it. i lost my beloved copy sometime during the 9th grade and since have looked for a copy to replace it. yesterday i stumbled quite accidently upon the 50th anniversary edition and it is very pretty indeed. so i treated myself, since i love the book so much.

mr jimmy jones (good ol’ jj) has approved for nhs a rock concert in march. bwahahahahahha. it was tris idea, at the beginning of the year, and it actually looks like it’s going to happen, which is very amusing indeed. nhs? rock concert? bwahahahahahaha again. so the planning for that is being slowly undertaken and brainstormed by me, kathy, and tri. (i’m not an nhs officer, but i swear i have more influence* over nhs than whoever else is. same with mu alpha theta. i love kathy. YOU MY GIRL KATHY!) so far we’ve got 4 bands playing: hamsterball, equal by six, silent pulse, and sean h’s band (dunno the name), but if you know any other ALL LAMAR bands that wanna play i’m sure it’s cool. it’ll be in that little area outside surrounded by orchestra, theatre arts, tennis, and some huge god-forsaken machine-thing with an unknown purpose (attached to the back of woodshop).

*when i say influence i dont mean in an evil, dark, conspiring way (necessarily (lol… j/k)), because kathy certainly doesnt do whatever i say, nor am i about to take advantage of her as my coolio friend. but she does ask me what i think of stuff and we often ponder together and talk about stuff. cuz we’re cool. just makin sure you dont think i’m out to get kathy or somethin.

lastly, short poems are often the ones that follow you around the most cuz.. they’re short.. and you can remember them. really, all i’m trying to do here is give myself an excuse to put three little poems that’ve been dancing in my head the last few days, from different places:

from english, good old john donne (weirdo) wrote this one:

John Donne

Anne Donne

Undone


er.. a little short, methinks. but whatever. he should have just waited a year and married her then, when she was 18. then it wouldnt be illegal, now, would it??

the other, from cameron’s site, by Burma-Shave (?):

He who sells

What isn’t his’n

Is headed for

Some time

In prison


heh. catchy.

and finally, this one i found while wandering around a graveyard in england (they’re so cool there, cuz the graves go back so damn far into the 1500-1600′s) on holiday in yorkshire, methinks. it was some lady who died age 21 and her husband was pretty pissed about it, since he loved her a lot, i think, cuz he wrote this as her inscription:

Reader beware

For you shall die

And be entombed

As well as I


i like that one. it’s so evil in a very truthful and realistic way.

so yea. that’s about it. i’m off to go watch little shop of horrors, which isnt nearly as cool as the other plays since emily isnt in it and is just an understudy (though that is an extremely honorable part, perhaps in this play even more honorable than the female lead, you know). see ya

ps – i’ll try and update more…

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