February 24th, 2004

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Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Come and Hold My Hand
I Want to Contact the Living…

so my last couple posts have been overflowing with anger and frustration.. hopefully this one will be a little more thought out.

right now, i’m feeling lost. i’m feeling detached. i feel like i’ve got this vague idea of where i should be headed but i cant quite be sure of what’s going on… everythings blurry around me, a background against the weight on my mind. at school i can join in on the jokes, i can listen to the lectures, but never more than a few seconds pass before my mind is again caught by the same feelings and thoughts. i’m haunted, and i can’t get away.

the feeling bothers me, i dont know what it is, i only know i want to get away from it. it’s the dread, the ice-cold knowledge that something bad has happened, and bad things are continuing to happen, and no matter what, i cant do anything about it. it’s the fear of the unknown, not knowing what’s coming next on my blurry path. it’s the solid, heavy truth that i’m not really here, to anybody.

it constantly nags me, because i dont know what to do, i dont know how to solve it. usually, i’m very good at tuning into my body physically, pausing for a moment, and knowing where to press on my head to cure a sinus headache, or where to rub a sore arm so it stops hurting; how to stretch my back to let the ache escape, or what kind of position to lie in to let my muscles relax. i can tell what to eat to fix a strange hunger-sensation, and what to drink and when to prevent my dehydration (though i often ignore this one). i can also help myself mentally, knowing what activity to take up to ease my stressed mind or help me think about something; to clear my head of thoughts or lift me out of a depressed state.

but this is different, and i dont know what to do. i feel helpless, trapped. i can lie down, i can stretch, i can eat and drink, i can mentally relax and distract myself… but to no avail, i’m still trapped with this sinking in the bottom of my stomach, this distraction from the world. i want to forget it, i want to chase it away, get on with my life. go back to being fully consumed by the things i do. stop forcing others to listen to my whining, worrying, and confusion. stop making others wonder at my distracted attention, my tentative and sad voice. i feel encased in ice, unreachable. but at the same time, i feel like too much of the world is getting in. sitting in my room, i want to shut the doors and keep everyone out. i want my room to be what it is to me: a sanctuary. i want it to be safe, free from all the things going on the outside, an escape. but it’s not. somehow all these things got in, and they filled up my room, surrounding me. i cant even stand to look at my own desk surface, it seems contaminated with bad things. my monitor, my keyboard, my mouse, and me. those are the only things that are safe. even my speakers are trying to break inside me, and my bed offers little shelter from the haunting late-night thoughts. i want to be far away, and i want to stay right here forever. i dont want uncertainty, i dont want to be distanced from love and comfort.. but i want to be cleaved from these bumbling people with their flimsy attempts at salvage.

Come and hold my hand,

I want to contact the living..

Not sure I understand

This road I’ve been given..

I sit and talk to God,

And he just laughs at my plans..

My head speaks a language

I don’t understand..

my dad has confirmed his coming on thursday, staying till sunday. but when i found out, it wasnt the releif that i thought i’d feel last night if he came. his message left on my cell phone voicemail was distracted, businesslike. he’s coming to discuss elizabeth, he has little intrest in nor time for me during his short stay. i can read this message, along with my mom. i’ve been blocked out. they all looked at me before i had time to gather my thoughts, but now that they’ve had time to come up with their own ideas on what to do, i’ve been placed back into ‘little teenager’ status. yes, i know nothing, have no idea what’s best for anybody. it’s funny how even though i know nothing i can usually predict my sister’s actions so clearly, or be so right about something related to that. but i gave up long ago trying to my mom listen. i started again, but it’s useless again.

i feel.. the same way you do when you hear about something really horrible or stupid happening.. bush doing something, for example.. and you want to just slap him, take control, and fix it, or do it the obviously better way, but you can’t, obviously. i feel like that, but so much more acutely, because i’m not so far away from people taking what i have to say into consideration. i’m so close.

I don’t want to die

But I ain’t keen on livin’ either..

Before I [loose the] love

I’m preparin’ to leave her..

Scare myself to death

That’s why I keep on running..

Before I’ve arrived

I can see myself coming..

i’m scared. i dont even know what i’m scared of. i want love, i want comforting. i want smiles and hugs. i want appreciation. i dont know what anybody could possibly appreciate me for, but i crave it. recognition? again, i dont know what for. maybe just.. recognition as a person.

recognition as Emma.

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