I Hate Myself
blogger lost my whole fucking rant. i was pissed off before, but now i just feel like taking my swiss army knife and trying to find my carotid. (that would be, slitting my own throat, for those of you not so well versed in anatomy (which is perfectly ok)). i’m sure one or two quick stabs and i could at least sever my jugular. i’m depressed. at times, suicidal. i dont care, and i dont want pity. i am, in my mothers words, ‘angry and hostile’ and i ‘have problems, whether [i] know it or not’. maybe i do. i dont give a fuck.
i feel, again, seperated from the world, but differently than in that other post. i feel like everyone else is having a blast and i missed some fucking important boat and so am left here with piles of work that are simply so much because i dont have the discipline to do them in a timely manner. i feel left out, excluded. from my family, from my friends. from the friends that i should be the closest to. i feel like.. the best way to put it is that i feel like everyone has another life they really enjoy, and they just put up with me and my little world cuz they feel obliged to. i feel that way about my closest friends. i feel like my aquaintences are plotting ways to kill me so they dont have to stand me anymore. i
know hope this isnt how things really are, but that is how i feel right now.
i want to go away. far, far away. i dont know where, i dont know who with, i dont know why, or what i’d do when i got there. i dont even think that would help the situation at all, but running away from everything here is the only thing my mind can think of that would at least temporarily get me away.
it is still somewhat of a shock to me to realise that my family isnt ‘normal.’ we’re incredibly fucked up. i mean, i guess in a way i knew that my family wasnt normal.. my mom and dad and britain all dismiss that pretty quick, but apart from the divorce and the troubles along with that i always imagined my parents as good parents, my family as wholesome and ‘connected’, and my sister and i as mentally healthy and mentally stable. well that was fucking wrong. i remember last year in the midst of my dad’s fits about summer arrangements i cried that i just wanted things to be normal in my life, like everyone else’s. like i adore saying, ‘every silver lining has a cloud’. i may be well traveled, but i’m also fucked up. so is elizabeth. so is my family. i guess no one has a ‘perfect’ family, and maybe deep down, everyone’s family is like mine, they just do a better job of keeping it hidden. if so, i still want one of those. no family’s are ‘normal’, i guess, but i do think a hell of a lot are better off that mine. i also think many are a hell of a lot worse off than mine. i really dont care, and would prefer to be a border in my own home. let my sister, LA, and my mom have their little sobbing, emotional, out-of-a-book, politically correct, family “healing-from-horrible-events.” i will stay here in my room and struggle through my hw, trying to find some spare time so i can go have a life like everyone else, maybe even get involved with theirs somehow and not feel so alone.
i am getting an EKG done tomorrow because my heart, like the rest of my broken fucking body, is fucked up, and so we’re going to try and figure out why, and how much, and if i need open heart surgery or am going to die any minute now. i’m also getting bloodwork done soon to check my clotting factors because of my frequent, gushing nosebleeds.
i am stupid and know no calculus, so have completley given up on it and will let my guilt at doing so kill me by slowly freezing my soul. i refuse to write a sonnet for the bufkin.
i know nobody cares, and i know many people have removed me from their links and probably dont even read this anymore, and i know that hardly anybody reads this anymore anyway, but i just dont care right now. i can scream, yell, nobody’s there. you cant touch me, you cant reach me. i’m trapped and i’m angry.
and i’m lonely. and i’m sad.