I Like the Cold
Well the last few days have been interesting. I received a package from my dad, with the paperwork confirming my appointation as director (wow, Freudian slip, I just put ‘dictator’) of this new company of Gerdt’s.
November 3rd was a sad, depressing day. There was a ‘protest’ gathering in the middle of the commons for those for whom ‘Bush is not your president’ applied. At first I was a little confused, because it didn’t seem like much would be changed, but as the day wore on a understood what it was about, so after calculus I sat with them from 2-5. And it was fucking cold. It was great to be with some like-minded people, though. If nothing else, we showed we simply disapproved, and got a chance to talk, vent, comfort, and be at peace with like-minded people. Republican and Bush-supporting students did not take kindly to the gathering.. Apparently once during the day a line of them arm-in-arm came up, with one wearing a Bush mask, and starting shouting random insults, including ‘vegetarian hippies.’ In my Islam class the majority of my class was celebrating Bush’s victory, and talking about how all the Republicans on campus are too scared to say anything because they’re such a minority. I really believe that’s bullshit. I’d say the divide was about equal, at most 45-55%, Rep-Liberal respectively. I use the terms ‘Republican’ and ‘Liberal’ because that’s how you’re classified in SU, if you take a political stance. All my classes seem to be a majority of Republicans, I don’t know where all the Liberals are, at least, when they’re not sitting in the middle of the commons. One guy in my Islam class supported Kerry, and expressed his disappointment. A very happy Bush supporter comforted him, “Don’t worry, you’ll see, you’ll be better off this way!” That really pissed me off. Especially the way she said it… “Don’t worry little person, you just don’t know what’s good for you.. I do, I’ll make it all better!” God. I said, “Two words: civil liberties. Will we be better off when they’re gone?” But she ignored me. No Bush supporter ever confronts that question. Pisses me off. Anyway, so sitting on the commons just made me feel better in general. There were some really interesting people there and lots of interesting discussion. Lots of staff, too, and a guy from the Williamson County paper. It was fucking freezing, but in a way that was suitable. It sometimes feels good to be subject to some good harsh weather when you feel bad. By the end, though, I was just shaking too much, and getting too little work done (because of the good convos going on), so I retired to my dorm. One girl bought me a cup of hot chocolate, and I dont even know who she is. I doubt she’ll find this, but if she does, she is the coolest person ever! And somehow I must repay her. Anyway… so I was left feeling much better, and that’s good. I was wondering what would happen to all the anti-Bush sites, anyway.
Does anyone else have an utterly confusing time figuring themselves out? I do. I try and figure out why something bothers me, and I swear, it’s like getting into the mind of s serial killer or something.. except it’s ME, and as far as I know, I’m in my own head!! I’ve realized that I really perceive myself as almost two people, one looking out for the other. I conciously observe myself and then alter my experiences and environments so that I won’t react badly to them, like a small child. I look at myself, and I think ‘Emma would not react well to this, so let’s make this happen instead, and then this, and then things will go a lot smoother.’ Then I impliment this plan. I just realised this is probably because I have a very hard time controlling how I react to things… sometimes. In many situations, I can smooth up a perfect front, but in others, my reactions are the most basic. Usually that only happens when I’m around people I have a large amount of trust in, like family and very, very close friends. It’s then that I alter scenarios for myself. I don’t know, I’m so fucked up in my head. I think I’ve got some kind of disorder sometimes, and wish someone would just figure me out.
Anyway, if you’re thinking of coming to Canada with me, Latifa, Max, and my math teacher, there’ll be a wait.
I swear I had more to say, but I guess one of me decided it’s not that important.