So today I was sitting around at my computer and Shalane was asleep in her bed, when I had this great idea. “Hey,” I said excitedly to Shalane’s sleeping form, “Let’s try and screw up EVERYBODY’s day!”
“Mumble,” said Shalane’s sleeping form (SSF), which roughly translates to, “Ok, lets!”
Quickly I called up Latifa.
“Hey Latifa!” I exclaimed, “Let’s go out for dinner tonight! Oh, and hey, just for the hell of it, let’s leave Amanda behind!”
“Sure!” replied Latifa.
“Oh,” I added, “and make sure you really bug the hell out of Lauren by asking her over and over when we’re gonna go eat, and repeatedly telling her that Shalane and I made the decision that we’re gonna go eat out.”
Soon I had extended my evil grasp to Kevin, telling him to call Lauren at her most busy time, to which he eagerly agreed.
Lauren, innocent and unsuspecting, sat down at her computer to discuss dinner plans with Latifa, who, sure enough, as according to my plan, repeatedly asked her when we were going, and where, as well as stating that Shalane and I had held a grand meeting to decide that we were going out to eat, without letting anybody else have any input at all.
Amanda was also questioning Lauren about dinner plans, unaware that she was playing right into my slimy little fingers. Kevin, of course, took his cue right then and called Lauren. Lauren, only capable of so many tasks at once, wanted to go outside her dorm to talk to Kevin, so told both Amanda and Latifa she’d be right back, and forwarded to Amanda Latifa’s incessant questioning, and Latifa’s recitation of that we were going out to dinner, final answer, and that was that: an exclusively made decision by the World Rulers of room 224. Amanda, receiving this, promptly realised that this was a cleverly encoded message from me that really meant ‘I wouldn’t eat with you if you paid me a million dollars, amPod! Eat shit and die! We’re leaving you behind!” And told Lauren that she’d been left before, so fuck us all!
Latifa was oblivious.
Lauren came back to this message, along with more of Latifa’s unceasing questioning, and immediately ran into Shalane and I’s room, suddenly realising that we were at the heart of all of this!
“WHAT THE FUCK!” she screamed at me, since SSF was still in bed.
“Huh?” I tried to play innocent, though of course I knew exactly what was going on.
“WHY IS EVERYONE SO FUCKED UP TODAY?!” she continued.
“I donno,” I replied, still trying to sound nonchalant, “What happened?”
“Amanda and Latifa were talking to me about dinner plans, and suddenly Kevin called, and Caroline was sleeping, and so I sent Latifa’s messages to Amanda so they could talk and figure it out and when I came back Amanda had left me a message of, ‘I’ve been left behind before anyway, fuck you all’, and Latifa keeps asking me what we’re doing, and I know this is an evil plan by you, Emma, and SSF too!!!”
“Oh wow,” I said, trying to sound concerned, and ignoring that she’d unveiled my plan, “That’s weird.”
“Hey guyz!” she sing-sang.
“Hi,” I said, eyeing cautiously the space between Lauren and Latifa, waiting for any atomic explosions that may occur.
“Oh,” Latifa continued, fingering the towel wrapped round Lauren’s head, “Is your hair wet?”
“Yes,” Lauren snapped. Latifa wandered aimlessly around.
“So what are we doing for dinner, guyz?”
Lauren kept her quiet. I tried to avoid eye contact with anyone. It wasn’t nervousness that made me do it, but the fact that I didn’t want my guiltiness to shine through my eyes, so they would pick it up!
Everybody stood in silence for about 10 eons.
I tried to pass myself off as trying to make things better, “Weeeelll… we could go eat at the cafeteria for -”
Lauren walked out.
“- now.. and see what they’ve got, eat what we can, and if we’re hungry in a few hours, decide if we want to go to the Cove or out somewhere,” I finished, talking mostly to my keyboard.
“Sure,” said Latifa, staring aimlessly around the room.
“Lauren?” I called cautiously.
“Oh, she walked away,” clarified Latifa.
“Right,” I confirmed, and walked through the bathroom, only to see Lauren climbing under the covers. Though I wanted to mock my successful ruin-ation of her day to her, I somehow managed to subdue the desire, since I didn’t want to admit it was Shalane and me all along just yet.
“Don’t get your hopes up about us eating together tonight, Latifa,” I stated as I walked back into my room, inwardly demonically laughing within at my evil, evil plan slowly coming together.
“Oh, right,” said Latifa, “Yea, I donno what’s up with people today, is it the weather? I donno.”
“Yea, me either,” I lied. It was the Rulers of 224! ALL US!!
“Ok, well bye! Come get me guyz!” Latifa called out as she left.
I turned to SSF.
“I think they’re onto us, Shalane.”
“They seem to be,” mumbled SSF, as it became a non-sleeping form and stumbled to the computer, “I’ll go see how Lauren’s doing, she might need some more beating down.”
I waited until she returned with a report.
“She’s crying at her desk,” Shalane told me, grinning.
“Oh fuck yea!” I exclaimed, barely able to hold back my excitement, “And have you seen Amanda’s away message?! She thinks we hate her!”
“I’ll go double check on her,” volunteered Shalane, slinking out the door.
“Well?” I asked, once she’d once again slithered back to our dark, damp ruling chamber.
“I knocked on the door, but she’s not there. Her roommate Kasey says that she’s really pissed because nobody could decide anything about dinner, since we put up those huge hall-blocking rocks that prevent people from venturing to each other’s rooms to ask them direct questions. She says we always leave her behind on purpose, so she went alone.”
“Our plan is working so well!” I exclaimed, “Without hardly lifting a finger, we have managed to ruin everybody’s dinner, including our own! Latifa’s run off somewhere unknown, so we cant eat with her, and everybody else hates us, and everyone else! What a thing to celebrate! LETS EAT!”
Do you want to read Shalane’s version of this evening?
To the people whom I mention in this story:
I love all you guys, but, come on. You know dinner is a democratic decision between all of us, majority rules. If someone comes up to Shalane or I and says something about dinner plans, we might reply, “Ok, let’s see if anybody else is interested.” But we don’t sit around and plot to secretly make our own elitist decisions about dinner, apart from Em and the time that we go. But we all know that’s just her obsessive-compulsive side going through. And there’s nothing wrong with 6:00pm. We also aren’t going to leave anybody behind. It’s true that sometimes, especially when it’s just one person picking someone up for lunch, it’s easy to forget that you’re not having it by yourself today, and it’s even easier to get lunch schedules confused. When there’s a couple of us, we remind each other about people, and we’ll come get you! We don’t want to eat without you, we like you! It’s true, I display the worst of you in this story, but I think that we’re all now even, ok? Let’s call it quits and stop here. If there’s some future confusion about dinner, let’s all get together and sort it out. Shalane was dozing, and nobody had mentioned the idea to me, save for Latifa requesting much earlier that we go out, to which I replied, “Ok, let’s see what everyone else says”, yet somehow we both seem to be getting the majority of the blame for the WWIII that has started tonight. WE LOVE YOU! WE WANT TO EAT WITH YOU!! Everybody hug and cry and let’s get on with the more important things in life, like Bosnia and the EU, Stargate, purple, underwear, and Queer as Folk, ok?
“We’re ruining your life,” I said kindly to the strangers we ate dinner with.
“We are,” agreed Shalane.
“You just don’t know it yet,” I clarified, “And neither do we.”