January 25th, 2005

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Tuesday, January 25th, 2005

There’s No Need for Suicide

When You’re Dying on the Inside

I have no refuge, it seems. Today my plan of sleeping all hours I was not required to be concious in my class is being attacked. In fact, the sanctity of my sleep is being attacked. No more do I sleep peacefully. My sleep is filled with sudden starts, awaking with a gasp and a flail. Nightmares stalk me as soon as I slip into the first wave of slumber. In my dreams I can’t see, I cant feel, I don’t know which way is up or down. I flip back and forth between being me, and suddenly finding myself outside my body. Not watching me, for I still cannot see, but unable to move, unable to feel. I can only hear people talking in gibberish all around me, while I try and force myself back into my body. When I succeed the electricity happens. From the top of my brain down my spine, spreading out along my entire body to the tips of my fingers, a shooting zap, a tingle, a stab of pain similar to that of being mildly electrocuted, but much more body-encompassing. Sometimes this wakes me, sometimes in my half-awake, half-asleep mind I simply remember it happening. I awake and I hurt without feeling. I feel a leftover charge, I know the electricity happened, but it’s so faint, so strange, it’s almost not a physical feeling. But then, it is. It hurts my brain the most. It’s a shock, a short-circuit in my brain. If it does wake me up, I am reluctant to return to sleep, as I know it will happen again. Sleep is supposed to be my escape! Sleep is supposed to cradle me in it’s arms, protecting me! Sleep is supposed to let my mind wander free from motal worries and stresses, let it explore other things, other happy times.

Oh Sleep, you have betrayed me.

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