January 29th, 2005

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I’m the Prize Idiot

Saturday, January 29th, 2005

I washed my phone.

I washed my fucking phone.

Somehow, I washed my fucking phone.

Somehow, I put my laundry in the washer, and I washed my fucking phone.

Somehow, I put my jeans in the laundry, put my laundry in the washer, and I washed my fucking phone.

Somehow, I left my phone in my pocket, put my jeans in the laundry, put my laundry in the washer, and I washed my fucking phone.

I washed my phone. It’s dead.

I feel like a prize fucking idiot. God, I am incompetent.

And before any of you get on my back, it’s not the loss of the phone I’m pissed about, it’s my stupid, thoughtless, oblivious, zoned-out, actions that I’m pissed at.

Like so many people have told me throughout my life, ‘Why don’t you just THINK Emma?!’

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I’ll Succeed or Die Trying

Saturday, January 29th, 2005

I got some boots today. They are nice boots. I have wanted them for many months. I got them on sale.

I hate them.

Often in life, it’s not the material thing that makes you happy. It’s the meaning behind it, or doors it opens, or the possibilities it brings. My junior year I had to buy a suit to compete for HOSA. I went to pick out one, and brought home a gorgeous suit. It suited me, it fit me, it looked great on me. But I hated it. Sometimes it’s not what you think that counts, it’s what someone else thinks. Sometimes it’s not how you look that counts, but how you look for someone else. Sometimes it’s not how something makes you feel that counts, but what that change in feeling means to another person.

Sometimes, it is about getting something for you. Often, it is about getting something that you, and someone else, will enjoy. Or that you will both benefit from. Otherwise, you hate that thing, because you cannot do with it what you really want to do: bring it to someone else and say, ‘look, this is for me, but it is you that makes it worth anything to me, it is for you I have it.’ Instead all it is is an empty reminder of what could be, or what might have been. It’s worthless, stupid.

These boots embody all of my own stupidity.

I will be a better person.

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