Yea, she did. Amazing I know. When my mom saw it she said ‘wow’. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve worn my hair the same way since I was old enough to tell my mom ‘I want to grow my hair out long’ – that would be when I was about 3. So for the first time in my life, I’ve done something different with it, for better or worse.
I’m horribly depressed at the moment. Of course, I spend most of my time depressed, so that’s not unusual. A lot of things have gone right in my life in the past few days. For a 24-hour period, it seemed almost like God was trying to make up for 3 months of suck. And I am grateful for that, and it probably has lessened my depression some. But, I still see myself as worthless, a fool, stupid, incompetent, a waste of space, time, and air. How do you change how you see yourself? I have a lot of issues. I honestly believe that I’m not worthy of friends, and that the limited contact I get to have with my friends (probably for no other reason than that they’re busy people with lives of their own) is a reflection that I am not worth hanging around or spending time with. I see the lack of people wanting to hang out with me as proof that I am worthless. And so I believe I’m worthless. And really I probably am. I don’t contribute much to this world anymore except a body that puts UK-made-money into the US economy – so I suppose to the government I’m not useless. Yippee.
I’ve realised that this isn’t going to change. I don’t know how to think more of myself. Sometimes I really do want to, I’m pretty sick of being borderline-suicidal, you know. Honestly I am. But how do you convince yourself you’re worth something. I try and seek friendship, to prove to myself that see, someone does like to talk to you, someone does want to talk to you of their own free will, and spend time with you of their own free will, so they must see something in you, so you must be worth something. But so far that is backfiring. People would probably say that I can’t depend on friends for that, but I don’t know how else to do it. How do you just… have worth. If anyone has any suggestions I’d be happy to hear them, really.
The problem is, I let everyone have a say over who I am but me. Someone says ‘you’re a fool,’ and I completely and totally believe it. The solution sounds easy, right? Just stop believing what other people say. But I can’t. You can’t when you have no self-esteem. When in your mind, it makes perfect sense, and you take a step back, and look at yourself, and say ‘They’re right. I am a fool.’ Except, instead of going ‘I will change that,’ I think ‘Thus, I am worthless, and always will be, because I never manage to change enough, always fail, and so will continue to be a fool forever.’ I don’t know. I look at all this scribbling and I tell myself I’m pathetic for writing it. Why burden people with my own problems, right? I can’t seem to stop doing it, so it just makes me more of a fool, more worthless. Honestly, there is no value in a friendship with me. I can tell by the way people look at me, talk to me. Paranoid, I know.
Is it possible to get rid of yourself? I’ve contemplated it often. The brain is an amazing and fucked-up thing. Would it be possible, if I tried hard enough, to completely de-root Emma, and replace her with some new person? Someone who didn’t hurt, and was probably a complete bitch, but could handle the situation I’m in? Who would throw the shit back in the faces of the shitter, instead of following societal rules that everyone else seems to ignore? I really hate being myself. I want to be someone whom I actually like. Maybe that’s why I cut my hair, and am now looking into other ways to try and erase the Emma that’s been around for years, at least physically. It will probably just end up fucking me up more, but whatever. I don’t know what else to do.
My continued wish is that I’d stop bothering people. Stop causing people to have to continue to deal with me. Stop making everyone miserable. I should just go away. I have considered just disappearing, but I am too weak. People would get all mad about suicide, and upset, but people can’t really get upset if you just make a choice to, you know, concentrate on your studies, decrease contact with peoples. Stop making people miserable through ceasing contact. But, like I said, I’m too weak. It would end badly. So, I probably won’t even try. I feel horribly guilty for continuing to bother people that I do. But I am so full of empty, so full of pain, and think so little of myself, I don’t know what else to sustain my existence on but people. That’s not fair to them, though. Let them go and sustain yourself, say people, but I’m not strong enough for that, because I honestly don’t believe I’m worth sustaining.
Accident rate triples on New Year’s Eve, and the plan of the people I’m apparently going to be with includes a good amount of driving. So, tonight I might die or be permanently disabled. But, the odds are still against that, so I will probably be fine.