February 20th, 2006

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It is Grey

Monday, February 20th, 2006

I can’t talk for long because I’m about to go out and buy myself some Legos for therapy purposes.

I can sum up my feeling right now by just saying that I hate college, I hate the fact that I can’t get my academic life together, and I hate what my future looks like. I also hate the fact that I am expected to ignore certain things and devote my entire being into academia at this point in my life. Sure, education is important, especially now, but is it wrong if I completely disagree with society on the fact that every decision I make during this time should be to further my academic career, my future professional career, and increase my chances of landing the perfect job? Is nothing else important? Since when did being in clubs make you a well-rounded person – I want to apply to my potential medical schools and say ‘As you can see, I was not in any clubs in college – I was far too busy cultivating real and meaningful relationships with a few select people, most of whom I have known for many long years, as opposed to spending my time pretending to be sociable with people I share perhaps one common interest with.’
I have so much stress in my life, and I hate it. I feel like the times I’ve seriously fucked up in the past year and a half have ruined any chance I have of being a doctor. Society has told me this, and I don’t know if it’s true. Is it? Is it not? I know in my heart I would be a great doctor – give me a chance and I’ll prove it to you. But will anyone give me a chance? Or should I just give it all up, major in general studies, and spend my life in misery. I tell you what, the upside of that would be that I’d be free from all this pressure – free to persue the things that matter to me most.

I’m going on a cruise sometime soon (time is vague to me today) and I have no clothes for it. Just jeans and black t-shirts. Not exactly hot-weather clothing. However, I don’t want to shop for clothes because I have no style and I hate shopping. Pretty much, I wish I wasn’t going on the cruise at all, because I know it will just be one big stress, and I will end up in tears because I didn’t buy any clothes before the cruise and thus don’t have anything to wear.
I know, I shouldn’t stress so much, but I just take this as proof that I really should be in a padded room of some sort.

I was going to put a picture of Svara, whom I adore and love so very much, because she is always willing to curl up with me and let me bury my face in her soft grey and white fur, but this post is too depressing, so I’m not going to subject her loveliness to that.

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