October, 2006

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How it Works

Tuesday, October 31st, 2006

This is how it works
It feels a little worse
That then we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd
While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep
This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

And on the radio
You’ll hear November Rain
That solo’s awful long
But it’s a good refrain
You’ll listen to it twice
‘Cuz the DJ is asleep

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
Then try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some-
Someone else’s heart
Pumping someone else’s blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don’t get harmed
But even if it does
You’ll just do it all again

Special thanks to Amanda for an awesome CD.

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Proof God Hates Me

Thursday, October 26th, 2006

Proof: I actually, honestly, no trickery or scam or intentional-ness at all, feel like eating Chipotle tonight. The rice sounds good I guess.

Damn you God, damn you fate. Also, just for completeness, damn you Chipotle.

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Nothing Hurts More Than This

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
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I HATE Hairdryers

Monday, October 23rd, 2006

God fucking damn. Could you make them any LOUDER?? I didn’t quite rupture my eardrums completely.

I don’t really have anything to say. Why post then? Well, mainly because of the hairdryer thing. I’ve discovered during the last day and what little of today has been in existance that I really have a full head and an empty mouth. I have all these things in my head, oozing back and forth. But none can come out in words. Of course, I keep trying any way, but I should just give up, because it’s obviously impossible. I am forever drafting letters and blogposts in my head, and this inability to do so for the items in my brain now distresses me.

I really like the last paragraph of ‘People, People, People…’

I need a sign to let me know you’re here,
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know, that things are gonna look up,
‘Cause I feel I’m drowning in a sea spilled from a cup…

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head,
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said…

And I’m calling all angels
And I’m calling all you angels

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There Will Never Be Enough Purple, Or Enough Glitter, In This World To Make It Better

Sunday, October 22nd, 2006

I’ve gone 24 hours without any food or water now. Well, I had an ice cube, because I was bored. I haven’t accomplished anything useful, nor have I reached any new spiritual levels.

You just can’t expect someone to take so much in such a short time that they don’t divert it somewhere.

And don’t worry. I’m not going to be hypocritical and go against a recent post. Wouldn’t want all three of my readers rioting.

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I Have A Present for You!

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

I have finally put up a selection of pictures from AJ and my summer trek around the UK. I recommend putting it on ‘slideshow’ and arrowing through, since I put a comment on each picture so it all flows a little more ‘story-like’. It should take about five minutes to see them all. Please have a look!

I have worked so hard!

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‘Christmas’ is My Number One Search Term at 7.23%

Tuesday, October 17th, 2006

‘Emma’ is 3.54%

Well, my vistor numbers are on the rise. Jumping up a few more each day, a couple each week… We’re halfway through October and I’m already 2/3 to my September total visitors.

Is it because of my awesome posting? A new cluster of followers heading my every word? No. It’s because it’s October. And October is near November, and November is next door to December, and December is Christmas. And everybody thinks my site is Christmas central. Yep. Those mp3 files I posted TWO YEARS AGO are still haunting me.

I TOOK THE FILES DOWN. GO AWAY.

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People, People, People…

Monday, October 16th, 2006

I think it’s interesting how many articles of the public jump so quickly to blaming anorexia and bulimia on advertising and fashion. Now, I’m not going to say that ads and fashion are blame-free as far as self-image problems in today’s world, but I really think that so many articles miss some main reasons.

One thing I was always told about anorexia and bulimia is that it’s a control issue. The person doesn’t feel they have enough control in their lives, so they take control over their bodies and their weight, feeling pride in having control over something. Maybe this is the case for some, but from what I’ve seen (and though my experience is by no means extensive, I’ve ducked into these dark corners many times over the last four or five years) anorexics and bulimics coldly celebrate in the lack of control they have over their condition.

If you look through pro-’ana and mia’ website and xangas there’s a common theme of being completely out of control to ‘Ana’ or ‘Mia’. It’s sadly said, with tones of despair and helplessness, but reading it, you know it’s that kind of hurt and pain that comes with that full-heart feeling, that good feeling, that nothing is your fault anymore, that you can’t do anything about anything anymore. It’s a comforting feeling, because all you can do is give in and give up. Your life is no longer yours, so you can no longer be held accountable.

Obviously anorexia and bulimia are also linked to huge self-confidence problems. Many sites I have seen blatantly invite (even encourage) visitors to ‘walk all over’ them. Again, many are going to turn to ads/fashion to how they got these self-image problems, but I think it’s too far simplifying the picture. While ads/fashion may play a part, and maybe it is key, it’s more than just that, much more. My primary guess is something in the family. Doesn’t have to be a bad family – a mother who tells you to diet, an alcoholic father (though that’s definitely going to lead to it, too). Just a family where something isn’t quite right. Kids are fragile, so very fragile. Maybe there’s just a few too many arguments. Maybe just a few too many times the less-achieving kid was compared to the other sibling. It seems so small, nothing that should last (‘toughen up!), but it does. Kids save it up, bit by bit, and dole it out on themselves.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just wanted to make a generic post on what I’ve seen today in my wanderings. And point out that I think we jump too quickly to ads/fashion as the source of anorexia and bulimia. It’s an easy culprit. Faceless, large, corporate controlled. (If it wasn’t for them) Nice to imagine that if we could just change some policies in some modeling agencies we’d solve the problem. But honestly, it’s not ‘fashion’ these girls (and guys) are after. They’re after acceptance, solutions, escape, ablution, and self-punishment.

The thing that always bugged (infuriated) me the most about anorexia, bulimia, cutting, and other things of such nature is the blatant denial that anyone matters but themselves. They crow ‘Well, I never asked for anyone to care about me!’ in defense, and to that, I say tough. You never asked gravity to pull you down, either, but it does, so plan your actions accordingly. People are going to care. People are going to hurt. People are going to spend money and time on you, change plans and dynamics for you, whether you like it or not. People are going to spend love on you, spend care on you, spend tears on you, and spend worry on you. Even if they try not to, they can’t help it. They’re condemned to loving you forever. So instead of looking at your actions from a selfish, one-sided perspective, think to yourself, ‘do these people really deserve the hurt I’m about to deliver?’

Anyway, that’s all for now. Just a ramble.

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A Rant and My Kitty

Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006


What really irks me? People who sit in the front row of class, giggling and making fun of the teacher. You don’t like the class? Fine. You don’t like the teacher, think she’s stupid, whatever? Fine. You’re entitled to your halfway-through-first-semester-freshman views. But for God’s sake, just SHUT UP while you’re in class. If you can’t manage that, at least go sit in the back of the room and giggle. Not in front of me, and everyone else, so that you can distract us most optimally with your hand-gestures and whispers. Your snide remarks are not funny, and they’re also baseless. Trust me on that one. You have no experience at all with college and are going to have a big surprise in the next few years, meaning you’re in no position to pass judgement. (This shown by the fact that you feel quizzes over a list of terms she hands us are “completely unreasonable!”. She practically gave us the quiz beforehand, you morons!)
Also, if you feel the need to use your computer to take notes, that’s fine by me. However, if you’re going to play solitaire, tetris, and chat on AIM, again, please take it to the back of the room. And DO NOT then moan about how the class is so hard! If you’re not even making a token effort to pay attention, of course it’s hard!

I’m really happy with having Svara around. Somehow it seems she’s become personable since I moved here. She’s waiting at the top of the stairs every day when I come home, and sleeps outside my bedroom at the door, greeting me with a chirrip every morning. Even after I bathed her, she showed me no ill feelings. She follows me around the house in an inquisitive way, watching everything I do.

She’s developed a soft-spot for AJ, though. When he comes home, she’ll sit at his feet and stare up at his computer, and she’ll readily come when he calls. It’s strange because he rarely pets her or gives her much attention. I think it’s a classic example of how the child clings more closely to the abusive parent in hopes of making them love them ; P . She’s almost 2 years old now, but she’s still very playful and curious. She wants to be involved in everything and know just what’s going on, which is different, since cats are often so aloof. When AJ and I curl up to watch a movie, she’s not happy until she’s tucked between me and the couch, or laying across my feet, feeling included and dozing happily.

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