December, 2006

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Emma Went Crazy with her Hair

Sunday, December 31st, 2006

Yea, she did. Amazing I know. When my mom saw it she said ‘wow’. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve worn my hair the same way since I was old enough to tell my mom ‘I want to grow my hair out long’ – that would be when I was about 3. So for the first time in my life, I’ve done something different with it, for better or worse.

I’m horribly depressed at the moment. Of course, I spend most of my time depressed, so that’s not unusual. A lot of things have gone right in my life in the past few days. For a 24-hour period, it seemed almost like God was trying to make up for 3 months of suck. And I am grateful for that, and it probably has lessened my depression some. But, I still see myself as worthless, a fool, stupid, incompetent, a waste of space, time, and air. How do you change how you see yourself? I have a lot of issues. I honestly believe that I’m not worthy of friends, and that the limited contact I get to have with my friends (probably for no other reason than that they’re busy people with lives of their own) is a reflection that I am not worth hanging around or spending time with. I see the lack of people wanting to hang out with me as proof that I am worthless. And so I believe I’m worthless. And really I probably am. I don’t contribute much to this world anymore except a body that puts UK-made-money into the US economy – so I suppose to the government I’m not useless. Yippee.

I’ve realised that this isn’t going to change. I don’t know how to think more of myself. Sometimes I really do want to, I’m pretty sick of being borderline-suicidal, you know. Honestly I am. But how do you convince yourself you’re worth something. I try and seek friendship, to prove to myself that see, someone does like to talk to you, someone does want to talk to you of their own free will, and spend time with you of their own free will, so they must see something in you, so you must be worth something. But so far that is backfiring. People would probably say that I can’t depend on friends for that, but I don’t know how else to do it. How do you just… have worth. If anyone has any suggestions I’d be happy to hear them, really.

The problem is, I let everyone have a say over who I am but me. Someone says ‘you’re a fool,’ and I completely and totally believe it. The solution sounds easy, right? Just stop believing what other people say. But I can’t. You can’t when you have no self-esteem. When in your mind, it makes perfect sense, and you take a step back, and look at yourself, and say ‘They’re right. I am a fool.’ Except, instead of going ‘I will change that,’ I think ‘Thus, I am worthless, and always will be, because I never manage to change enough, always fail, and so will continue to be a fool forever.’ I don’t know. I look at all this scribbling and I tell myself I’m pathetic for writing it. Why burden people with my own problems, right? I can’t seem to stop doing it, so it just makes me more of a fool, more worthless. Honestly, there is no value in a friendship with me. I can tell by the way people look at me, talk to me. Paranoid, I know.

Is it possible to get rid of yourself? I’ve contemplated it often. The brain is an amazing and fucked-up thing. Would it be possible, if I tried hard enough, to completely de-root Emma, and replace her with some new person? Someone who didn’t hurt, and was probably a complete bitch, but could handle the situation I’m in? Who would throw the shit back in the faces of the shitter, instead of following societal rules that everyone else seems to ignore? I really hate being myself. I want to be someone whom I actually like. Maybe that’s why I cut my hair, and am now looking into other ways to try and erase the Emma that’s been around for years, at least physically. It will probably just end up fucking me up more, but whatever. I don’t know what else to do.

My continued wish is that I’d stop bothering people. Stop causing people to have to continue to deal with me. Stop making everyone miserable. I should just go away. I have considered just disappearing, but I am too weak. People would get all mad about suicide, and upset, but people can’t really get upset if you just make a choice to, you know, concentrate on your studies, decrease contact with peoples. Stop making people miserable through ceasing contact. But, like I said, I’m too weak. It would end badly. So, I probably won’t even try. I feel horribly guilty for continuing to bother people that I do. But I am so full of empty, so full of pain, and think so little of myself, I don’t know what else to sustain my existence on but people. That’s not fair to them, though. Let them go and sustain yourself, say people, but I’m not strong enough for that, because I honestly don’t believe I’m worth sustaining.

Accident rate triples on New Year’s Eve, and the plan of the people I’m apparently going to be with includes a good amount of driving. So, tonight I might die or be permanently disabled. But, the odds are still against that, so I will probably be fine.

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Letter to America

Sunday, December 24th, 2006

to Emma
merry Christmas.I am looking forward to when you come over we haven’t had any snow yet but I’m hoping that we will get some soon.Good news!!!
me and Alice have got are bronze in gymnastics and we got are level 8 in swimming we all so got the table of the week at school at lunch time which means that you get to go first every day of the week and we got it on the last week of term which is the best week.hope things are well in America.
love from Heather xoxoxoox

(Age 8 (almost 9))

(Some of those ‘are’s are ‘our’s)

Merry Christmas, everyone. May all your loved ones send you adorably cute letters that brighten your day. May all your friends be good and kind. May all your days be bright and happy. May all your presents be thoughtful and appreciated. May all your loved ones be close at heart, even if a thousand miles away.

I’ll be home for Christmas,
You can count on me…
I’ll be home for Christmas…
If only in my dreams…

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The Cards are Down and I Lose

Thursday, December 21st, 2006

Not that I ever expected to win, but I hoped for at least some kind of compromise. Perhaps a lose, but with the comfort of knowing that things had had a chance to be thought out properly and dealt with properly, and with me having a chance to try and regain a friend.

But no. The world does not give Emma happy, the world takes away Emma’s happy, and replaces it with heart-wrenching, aching pain. Twenty-four hours, seven days a week. An ache in my chest that doesn’t subside. I kept minimising my hopes again and again, thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could get at least my smallest of wishes. A chance at friendship, a chance of a happy parting, of still being worth something – a friend. But all that was taken away yesterday morning, and I am left empty handed and empty bodied. No heart, no soul, no mind, just pain.

I shouldn’t feel like my trust was broken – nobody even knew they were breaking it, I’m sure – but I do. I shouldn’t have left it up to trust, I shouldn’t have expected people to know my concerns, but I did. I should have spoken up. I should have said, ‘Hey, I’m concerned this is going to happen. I think that is not good. I think it will leave me empty.’ But no, I didn’t. But what does it matter at the end of the day? Two people are happy and one person is broken. It’s life. It’s sacrifice. It’s not fair, but it’s my role. It’s my worth.

There is so much pain inside right now. Sometimes I scare myself. I keep to myself, because anyone I tell I’m sure I will scare away. People can’t handle that kind of pain. Not even in second-hand. That’s why they get scared away. And I’m told to handle it first-hand.

One swift action seems to be the answer that would help everyone out, but people get angry when I start thinking like that. I can’t say I understand that at all. It’s so easy to get angry at someone for thinking like that, but then, if they say, ‘Ok, I’ll stop, can you help me through this? Can you do a small thing for me to help me?’ it is so often turned down. The answer is, nobody wants to deal. Nobody wants to deal with your problems, just like they don’t want to deal with the aftermath of the action. So, they’d prefer to you become magically better overnight, or quietly shrink away into nothing and sadness – but quietly. It’s not caring, it’s not-wanting-to-care.

I would ask one little thing from the world, but I’m sure it will be turned down. I’ve made my unwilling sacrifice, I’ve given you my happiness. Could I ask one thing in return? One thing that would be so little effort to you, but give me so much in happiness? No. I can’t. And I don’t understand why.

I wish I could deal out unhappiness in the way it’s been dealt out to me.

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I’m Mumbling, Mumbling…

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006

I had this really long post written up about some signs of my doing better (at least at taking care of myself), but writing about them just tells about how I was doing worse, and that’s burdening people. So, I will just say I am trying hard to do more to take care of myself. I won’t give reasons because that’s burdening too.

Elizabeth is still in Utah. She seems repentant, but who knows what the real deal is. Honestly, I don’t worry about her much. Whatever happens, happens. My mom’s been up to visit her, and she called me on the cell and put Elizabeth on. She’s not allowed to talk to me on the phone at Logan’s, just my mom and dad. She’s staying there for Christmas, but flying to back and then to the UK the day after. So, during her 4-5 hour stopover at home (in the airport), she’ll get her Christmas presents. Fucked up Christmas, eh? Whatever.

My mom’s still practically living in Houston. I’ve stopped caring. She comes home for a day now and then, but that’s all. Takes my stepdad most of the time, too, so I get to go feed Elizabeth’s cat.

Right now I feel like crap because of events going on. I’m supposed to be taking some pictures but I don’t know what she has to say – we can all assume a negative, but I can’t until it comes… I’m too stressed and nervous and hurting and sad right now. I want to take pictures, because that would distract from everything else, but if I get distracted, in a good mood even, and it all goes wrong, then I’ll have to fall back down to where I am now. If I just stay here, there’s no fall.

I don’t remember and can’t be bothered to check if I have mentioned before my distinct loss of trust. I don’t trust anyone, I don’t trust anything that seems it might be true. Everything can change in a moment. I wish I could trust, because my world would be so much easier. But really, it seems like it’s just a path that leads to certain pain.

I hope today does not go worse than I expect it. I do not expect a good day, but I hope it does not go even worse.

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My Cup Runneth Over with Pain

Friday, December 15th, 2006

This dude came and spoke in my sociology class about 2 months ago. Had two girls get up so he could demonstrate on them. You can’t trust anybody these days.

I feel hollow inside. I keep continuing to get the short end of the stick. I used to always tell myself, well, you can’t be unlucky forever. It’s been two months now, and I’m still waiting for a break in the domino effect of pain that is my life. I’m exhausted, depressed, and every second of every day is agony. I know people say things like that a lot, “every second is painful,” but we all know that it’s not really true. Honestly, I’d say about 90% of my waking seconds are pain. The other 10% are when I’ve managed to lose myself in a book, orchestra, or the purple bike program. But it doesn’t last long.

I’ve never hated waking up so much. My nights are haunted, but when I first wake up, warm in my bed, I have a general sense of innocence about the world, until it all hits me like a tonne of bricks, every morning, every day.

What I really want is a particular friend. I’ve been going so crazy lately, and I hate myself for it. But then, since I feel so angry at myself and my actions, I go crazy again. It goes in a spiral down. I don’t know. It seems if I had the friendship, even the things that drive rusty steel knives into my heart, perhaps I could face a little more easily.

Please let things get better. Please let there be some ray of hope for me, because right now, I’m trapped in a dark room of broken glass, and there are no doors or windows. Please.

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Comments

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

This post is a thank-you for the comments. It’s been ages since I got comments, especially in any volume. I’ve gotten 5 comments from 5 different people in a span of 4 days… It’s amazing. I’ve read them all a billion times because right now in my life they are like little rubies, which is really sad, but whatever.

Anyway, thank you all. They mean a lot.

PS – My brother Kenneth turned 13 today. 13 on the 13th – pretty neat, eh? Anyway, welcome to the teenage years, Kenneth, and Happy Birthday. (For the curious, from me he got an IOU for a copy of Spore when it comes out.)

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‘Tis the Season to Evaluate

Friday, December 8th, 2006

3. Do you feel that the objectives of this course have been communicated to you effectively?
The objectives that have been communicated to me during this course are: how to show up completely unprepared to teach a class, how to attempt to teach a class while repeatedly failing to bring the required supplies, how to write and then blatantly disregard your syllabus, how to rely on students to provide you with tools to run your class out of fear that their own grades will suffer due to your incompetence if they don’t, how to expect your students to memorize a thick packet of random facts about jogging one week before the final, how to write a final of one ‘essay’ question, which consists of ‘Define and explain’ followed by seven or eight terms randomly selected from afore-mentioned packet, and how to assign a paper on the day of the final (the Friday before exam week), to be due in five days (in the middle of exam week).

One more reason to love this time of year. I adore praising the teachers who deserve it right out of their socks, and ripping the ones who don’t into small, easily digested pieces.

Now I just wish I could ‘evaluate’ the shit out of my internet provider.

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Just More Proof of What I Already Knew: I Can’t Stop Hurting People

Monday, December 4th, 2006

It’s amazing how good I am at messing my and everybody else’s lives up. Even when I try so hard to not act on stupid emotions, and succeed better than ever before, even though I’m feeling worse than ever before, I still manage to throw it all away in one, low, lonely, depressed, upset night. Not even one night – just one question.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just my life, or if it was just the first, second, or third time. But I can’t take knowing that I’m just going to mess it all up again, and again, and again, despite the best effort my tattered heart can put forth.

If any of you invent a time machine, I need you to tell me so I can kill you, steal it, and travel back in time to suffer through my own pain instead of unthinkingly tripling it and pushing it onto other people.

When I get back to the present, I will return your time machine to your corpse, and ensure that I never, ever have to use it again.

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Want a Little Update? Here, I Throw it at You

Sunday, December 3rd, 2006

My community orchestra’s first-ever concert went very well. It was yesterday at the Hope Community Church (though sponsered by the church, the orchestra is not ‘religious’ or else I wouldn’t be part of it). It was a Christmas concert with lots of good Christmas songs (my favorite to play, aside from good old fiddle music). It was fun to get all dressed up to play violin again. I was the whole second violin section.

While arranging my pre-lit 4.5ft Christmas tree, I happened to touch a broken bulb with the two filament wires sticking out. I had the lights plugged in, the unsuspecting person that I am, and where the two wires touched my thumb, they literally melted my skin. I felt them slide about half a centimeter into my skin, like a wire going into butter. They just burned their way down. It wasn’t that they were sharp – it was the current. The flesh between where the two wires went in is completely dead – deep fried, I suppose. The wound didn’t bleed from the two charred (yes, they were black) holes, of course, because it was instant cauterization. Also, my arm muscles (both arms) had huge spasms that left me aching for about 24 hours. I’ve been shocked by broken Christmas light bulbs before – but holy shit – never like this.

Last night while I was walking back to my car in downtown Ft Worth after dinner with family after the orch concert, a photographer stopped me and asked me to pose with my mom in front of the Christmas tree for some publicity photos for Sundance Square. Don’t know if they’ll be used, but if they are, I shalt be famous yet again. I’m really in demand this season – the 2006 hot gift, I suppose.

Finished ‘Cat’s Cradle’ and ‘Animal Farm’ – deciding what to read next.

Off topic, but appalling: Please read this story about how much the catholic church sucks. Not surprising, but never fails to irk me.

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