December 21st, 2006 browsing by day


The Cards are Down and I Lose

Thursday, December 21st, 2006

Not that I ever expected to win, but I hoped for at least some kind of compromise. Perhaps a lose, but with the comfort of knowing that things had had a chance to be thought out properly and dealt with properly, and with me having a chance to try and regain a friend.

But no. The world does not give Emma happy, the world takes away Emma’s happy, and replaces it with heart-wrenching, aching pain. Twenty-four hours, seven days a week. An ache in my chest that doesn’t subside. I kept minimising my hopes again and again, thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could get at least my smallest of wishes. A chance at friendship, a chance of a happy parting, of still being worth something – a friend. But all that was taken away yesterday morning, and I am left empty handed and empty bodied. No heart, no soul, no mind, just pain.

I shouldn’t feel like my trust was broken – nobody even knew they were breaking it, I’m sure – but I do. I shouldn’t have left it up to trust, I shouldn’t have expected people to know my concerns, but I did. I should have spoken up. I should have said, ‘Hey, I’m concerned this is going to happen. I think that is not good. I think it will leave me empty.’ But no, I didn’t. But what does it matter at the end of the day? Two people are happy and one person is broken. It’s life. It’s sacrifice. It’s not fair, but it’s my role. It’s my worth.

There is so much pain inside right now. Sometimes I scare myself. I keep to myself, because anyone I tell I’m sure I will scare away. People can’t handle that kind of pain. Not even in second-hand. That’s why they get scared away. And I’m told to handle it first-hand.

One swift action seems to be the answer that would help everyone out, but people get angry when I start thinking like that. I can’t say I understand that at all. It’s so easy to get angry at someone for thinking like that, but then, if they say, ‘Ok, I’ll stop, can you help me through this? Can you do a small thing for me to help me?’ it is so often turned down. The answer is, nobody wants to deal. Nobody wants to deal with your problems, just like they don’t want to deal with the aftermath of the action. So, they’d prefer to you become magically better overnight, or quietly shrink away into nothing and sadness – but quietly. It’s not caring, it’s not-wanting-to-care.

I would ask one little thing from the world, but I’m sure it will be turned down. I’ve made my unwilling sacrifice, I’ve given you my happiness. Could I ask one thing in return? One thing that would be so little effort to you, but give me so much in happiness? No. I can’t. And I don’t understand why.

I wish I could deal out unhappiness in the way it’s been dealt out to me.

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