January 16th, 2007

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“The future has a way of arriving unannounced”

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

- George Will

I worry so much. Too much. I stress too much too. Today, during my one class, I suddenly had this moment where I was looking to the future of this semester. Except that somehow I managed to block – just for 4 seconds – all of the worry, all of the bad things that could possibly happen. And instead, I just saw these great friendships, and all the fun and happiness they could bring me, and companionship, and good times. I saw without worry, and without my constant distrust and thus disbelief that a good situation can stay good for any longer than 48 hours.

It was so nice.

So simple.

I wish I could hang onto it. I’ve been trying to revive it all day, in my mind, but it’s impossible. I wish I could have faith that that happy vision I saw could be reality. I hope it is reality, because it would be so nice, so happy. So pain-free. Or at least excruciating-pain-free. (Life’s never pain-free I suppose.) How do you stop worrying about things? How do you stop expecting the worst so that if it happens you’re less hurt? But then, see, I’m not sure I’d go through with it if I knew how – because if you aren’t aware and conscious of all situations, you can go into denial, or just be ignorant, and make things worse unintentionally, or just not realise reality until things are very bad and you get punched in the face. And of course, if you’re expecting good things and they don’t happen, you’re hurt badly. If you’re expecting bad things, you’re still hurt, but at least you’re not surprised.

I’ve always been someone driven by my friends. Well, ever since I woke up to the reality that there’s a world outside of my head, which was around 9th grade. I feel that truth stronger than ever now. I have so many friendships just sprouting from the ground, and they all mean the world to me, and I want so much for them all to grow into wonderful things. I tend them the best I can, and then I hope. I hope bad things don’t happen. I hope for no more hurting. I hope for calmness. I hope for stability. I hope to feel I have the chance to get my head in a situation, and perhaps if it stays the same long enough I’ll be able to start trusting that the world isn’t going to fall on me tomorrow. So I hope for stability.

I don’t have to hope for friends because I have friends, but I hope for good friendships that last and are happy.

I hope for things to go right.

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