January 23rd, 2007

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I searched my brain, honestly, and I can’t think of one reason why I should wake up tomorrow

Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007

You know what I did? Such a stupid fool I am. I dared to hope. I dared to believe life was getting better. Ha! Such an idiot. Why did I ever fall for that stupidness again.

You know what happened? Guess. I got hurt. I got burned. I got my heart ripped out and my soul torn to pieces. Yet again. Going on 4 months now, a life of pain and pain, and no hope that lasts. No light at the end of the tunnel, no reason to get up tomorrow. Isn’t hope what we all live for? The hope of this, or that, or so and so will date us, or we’ll get such and such job, or have kids, or travel the world. I have no hope. My hope is broken. My trust is broken. I can’t trust you. I can’t trust me. I can’t trust anyone. I can’t trust my dreams, I can’t trust my future. I can’t trust that I won’t continue to hurt and hurt, and that you fuckers won’t not hurt me. What did I do? What Judas was I in a past life to deserve this now? When does my break come? When do I get to feel happy again? When do I get to look forward, for any reason at all, to waking up in the morning? When do I get to look into the future and see anything at all? When do I get to stop talking myself out of suicide because I don’t want to die anymore?

This has to end. This has to stop. Something’s got to give. And it looks like the winner is me.

To everyone: I’m sorry I’m a fuck-up worthless waste of time and energy, undeserving of friends or friendship, that deals out pain and unhappiness and fills up valuable webspace with worthless depressed rantings that nobody gives a shit about.

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