January 24th, 2007

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Today I Cried A Lot

Wednesday, January 24th, 2007

I was doing well before recently. I really was. I was to the point of contemplating some things that I’m sure would have been seen as steps in the ‘right’ direction. Now I am back to square one. Except this time I am weaker. I am battle-weary. I am tired of fighting and getting hurt. There’s still one step down on the ladder before there’s nothing but empty space and pain. In other words, there’s still one way things could get worse. But this low down on the ladder, it seems like I’m only going to be hanging on for a while before I’m knocked down and falling. With the track record so far, it’s bound to happen. But you know? If I had to pick between recent events and the one thing left, you might be surprised at my choice. But it doesn’t matter, because I don’t get to choose. And the downhill fall will continue, I’m sure. It’s hard to convince myself it’s worth waiting around for that.

I can’t believe this is my life. I’m tired of being me. Give me a new body, make me someone else. So I can start again. So I can be anyone but me. So I can have another chance.

I’m in a very bad place in my mind. And it’s not letting up. And I don’t know if I can do this.

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