The girl who happened to sit down next to me in chemistry lab’s best friend’s fiancÃ©e is my best friend. Kind of a crazily small world, eh?
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I’m so full of anger. And I have no patience. Everything that anybody does irritates me, and I’m constantly impatient. I wonder if maybe some part of me thinks if I can hurry things up I’ll get to ‘the good part’ – the one that doesn’t actually exist.
Do you wonder about yourself in the third person? About your mental state? I do it constantly. I’ve always felt like I’m simply an observer to my own being/thoughts. That’s why, so often, I say ‘I wonder if I think’ or ‘I wonder if some part of me thinks’. I analyse my own reactions, actions, moods, and feelings to get a grasp of what mental state I’m in, what my mind is doing behind my back. Or behind my brain. That’s really the only way I can gauge myself. Is that normal? It never occurred to me that it might not be, but I realised that I don’t usually hear other people say the above two phrases nearly as often as I say them myself.
I bring this up now because I’m rather afraid. I know the inner me, the one I watch – I mean, hell, I’ve been an observer for 21 years now. But I’m not behaving or reacting like past experience dictates that I should. And I’m kind of scared. I can’t explain why, and I don’t know why. I’m empty, cold, and angry. Every single person I interact with, from acquaintances (ok, I’m lying, make that singular) at school to a girl sitting near me in the library to the cashier at the store, infuriates me. Thankfully I’ve enough self control to keep my cool and behave as normally as possible.
But all that anger.
I don’t let myself think of anything. Anything but L&O; and hw. I deny myself thoughts of anything else. Repress, hold in, dismiss. Any of you who know me well, know this isn’t normal. No, no – I’m the one who argued with my psychiatrist so strongly last year that I couldn’t take anti-depressants because then I wouldn’t feel things fully, as I believe everyone should – because then you learn best and recover best. I’ve read psychology books. Repression = bad. = Crazy. = Mass murderers and such.
I think I might be on a quest to become a non-person. Watch tv, do homework. Watch tv, do homework. One – neither of those things infuriates me, like people do right now. Two – neither of those things are likely to fail me. If I can simplify my life down to that, then I need not worry about anything more.
As long as I’m busy, I can be a robot – albeit one that feels like it’s inner cogs are slipping and something is very, very wrong. When I’m not busy, I’m bottomlessly depressed and out of hope – living for tv and homework isn’t much to live for.
I wish I would go ahead and go crazy, or go dead. Head explosion, maybe. I need something to break, or something to change. Because right now I might be on the path to becoming dangerous.
I managed to lighten my mood somewhat, so I thought I’d make a post of it. So what was this miracle, you ask? Why, programming, of course.
I was assigned a ‘lab’ yesterday that’s due in… two weeks. For those of you who don’t know, I’m in a brain-numbingly easy intro to programming class for a reason that’s too long of a story for me to bother telling you now.
So I decided to code the program tonight, and did. Met all the requirements and such. It’s a very simple Java applet that lets you divide numbers if you put them in boxes. (And another even stupider function.) Of course, if you try and parse a string to an int (or double) and it’s not all numbers, it throws an exception. Remember those? Of course, it doesn’t actually do much in the visible part of the program, so we were supposed to let those go. But I didn’t like all the angry red lines in NetBeans (and I also don’t like the idea of people trying to divide words in my ‘Number Divider’ without a scolding) so I handled that exception. Somehow, that gave me very much joy.
You can go marvel over the stupid simplicity and (required) eye-fucking colors of my little applet here: http://stuwww.tcu.edu/emmahodcroft/Lab4/Lab4.html
On a side-note, I realised the other day that my favorite Java and/or C++ segment of code would have to be else if. I think this is because it seems so reassuring. ‘Oh, that didn’t work out? Don’t worry! We have a back-up plan! Everything’s going to be fine!’ I like the idea of there being another option after something has failed.
You might think this relates specifically to now, but it doesn’t. I’ve always felt a little happiness at ‘else if‘s, I just never really realised why before.
Long live, my little blue friend.
This my logic:
The chances of me getting on Cash Cab are pretty much nil – I’ve never been to NY and I don’t think I’ll be going soon.
So, if I can’t get on Cash Cab and win a couple hundred, I figure I should sue the show for dangerous driving. I mean, hosting a game show while driving a cab can’t be safe. I also figure I’ll get much more money that way. Assuming I win, anyway.
Just a thought.
Or, if they’ll fly me to New York and just have a go in the Cab, I’ll drop the case.
(The title of this post made me think of something else. When people write ‘i hate em’ in chat windows, it always makes me do a double-take, since I reflexively think of ‘Em’ as me.)
I’ve been trolling random blogs and articles for the last 20 or so minutes, trying to find something to post about. I’m in the mood to post, but I really can’t think of much to say.
To pass some time while I think of something else, I’ll comment on this:
I often use the word ‘trolling’ in the traditional, pre-internet sense, which is taken from the style of fishing by the same name, that means to search around for something, often implied that the searching is done in a wandering manner with a find being based more on chance of luck than on anything else. When I use it now, though, I wonder if people automatically jump to the post-internet definition, which has to do with flaming forums and generally being an annoying bastard. When I say that, am I in danger of making people think I’m going around being an asshole while looking for a topic to post about, or can the majority of the population still process that as I mean it?
Well, I never did find anything else to post about.
Well I thought I’d make a little post, since my life is quite lively at the moment. So I’ll tell you all the things going on! Hm, where to start. Well, I’ll start out with the not-so-great and rather stressful stuff, then move on to happier things!
- My mom left today for a month-long trip to England, Yemen, UAE, and India. I’m a little sad that she’ll be gone so long. Today, however, was a strange little role-reversal. She called me from the airport to say her last byes. Usually I’m the one calling her from past security, and she always tells me, ‘Send me a text as soon as you land let me know you arrived safely.’ Today it was me demanding the same of her. And I’m sure she’s usually glancing at the clock and imagining where I am over the Atlantic – today that’s been my job. Anyway, it should be a really fun trip for her.
- My dad finally cut off my sister. Apparently she came home with a lip-ring, and he told her that was it. No more money for anything, college, room & board, etc.
- Tomorrow, I start horseback riding lessons. Crazy, I know! It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. Within about half an hour of finding a website I was hanging up the phone after booking myself a riding lesson. I’m both excited and apprehensive. Oh well! Should be a laugh.
- Tomorrow is homecoming parade for TCU. Usually that’s not my thing, but last year I ended up going by myself when I stumbled across it after chem lab, and I had a good time. They have a marching bad (which I am always fond of), fireworks, bbq, games, booths, a parade of floats, free candy, and prize giveaways. Overall, not a bad way to spend an evening.
- First weekend in October, for fall break, I’m going to Stanford to visit Tri! Turns out TCU is playing Stanford the weekend after that for Stanford’s homecoming. Tri mentioned it to me, and I mentioned it to my mom, who had some free tickets on Southwest that expire soon. So, off I go! I’ve never really been to California in any way that counts, so I’ll see what it’s like.
- The weekend after that, I’m going with Katie and KChris to see ‘Star Wars and Beyond: A John Williams Tribute’ at the Bass! You have to buy a season ticket to go to this concert, so we’re all buying Pops Series season tickets (on student discount) from the Ft Worth Symphonic Orchestra. So we’ll be concert-going for the season : ).
- Finally, that same weekend, Katie and I are taking a two day women’s self-defence class at TCU. We’ll be kicking ass in no time.
Well, I think that’s everything. Certainly busy! And, Purple Bike Program business is booming.
Anyway, I’m going to go sleep, cuz my eyes are going to fall out soon.
Just thought I’d say something in general about my posting. I tend to post in the evening or night, which, unfortunately, is usually when I’m in my worst state of the day. Don’t assume that’s how I am all day long.
At the moment I feel like everyone underestimates my understanding, my handling ability, and my desires.
But I do have a few questions, mostly from curiosity, that I’d like to have answered, simply because I don’t understand and would like to.
Well, that’s all. I think I’ll take a nap. Nighty night.
I’m glad this looks like it will end peacefully… I hope it really does. Despite what some may think, I really, really didn’t want to have to take it any further.
But now that my anger is gone, where do I get my strength? Suddenly I’m drained. Relieved, but suddenly vulnerable. A weight’s been lifted off my chest, but I’m suddenly sad. I feel once more like the abandoned and unwanted.
Thursday night I didn’t sleep well because I thought someone was repeatedly knocking on my door and calling my phone. Last night I slept very well, had no fears of such actions, but had sad, sad dreams again, for the first time in a while.
What do I do? How do I stop feeling like the worthless one?
Ever have those moments in life when you realise you’ve changed in a very specific way? Most of the time when you look back over a time period, you can identify that you’ve changed in some way or another, since usually that’s what life’s about, but I can’t say I’ve ever, before now, had the experience to be in a situation and actually realise “I am reacting very differently now with little concious effort than I would have in the past.”
But that’s happened to me twice recently. In one trying situation I won’t delve into, I’ve surprised myself by remaining calm and collected. While I’d like to say that I’ve been able to do that for years now, it’d be a lie. When I get upset, I usually go a little crazy.
The other example is my birthday party, which was two weeks ago Friday. As those of you who were there might know, things didn’t quite go according to plan – we ran late, had to move the restaurant reservation, and lost the bar reservation. In the past, this would have flustered me, and I would have hassled people to hurry up, stick to schedule, and try and make up for lost time. But instead, without even making the effort, I simply shrugged and went with the flow. So we have to move the reservation. Not the end of the world. Then, instead of trying to rush to the bar, let’s take a vote and see what most people want to do. So we missed the reservation at the bar. We had fun, that’s what matters.
I guess to many people this might seem fairly obvious. But for me, getting easily flustered, especially about things like time, has always been a problem. I can’t promise it’ll never happen again, but somehow, without my concious awareness, I apparently unwound a notch. And I’m glad, I’m happy. It’s been a goal of mine for a long time to target that problem, and apparently it worked on itself while I wasn’t looking. I hope this is a sign of better things to come in how I live my life.