I’m Mumbling, Mumbling…

Written by Emma on December 19th, 2006

I had this really long post written up about some signs of my doing better (at least at taking care of myself), but writing about them just tells about how I was doing worse, and that’s burdening people. So, I will just say I am trying hard to do more to take care of myself. I won’t give reasons because that’s burdening too.

Elizabeth is still in Utah. She seems repentant, but who knows what the real deal is. Honestly, I don’t worry about her much. Whatever happens, happens. My mom’s been up to visit her, and she called me on the cell and put Elizabeth on. She’s not allowed to talk to me on the phone at Logan’s, just my mom and dad. She’s staying there for Christmas, but flying to back and then to the UK the day after. So, during her 4-5 hour stopover at home (in the airport), she’ll get her Christmas presents. Fucked up Christmas, eh? Whatever.

My mom’s still practically living in Houston. I’ve stopped caring. She comes home for a day now and then, but that’s all. Takes my stepdad most of the time, too, so I get to go feed Elizabeth’s cat.

Right now I feel like crap because of events going on. I’m supposed to be taking some pictures but I don’t know what she has to say – we can all assume a negative, but I can’t until it comes… I’m too stressed and nervous and hurting and sad right now. I want to take pictures, because that would distract from everything else, but if I get distracted, in a good mood even, and it all goes wrong, then I’ll have to fall back down to where I am now. If I just stay here, there’s no fall.

I don’t remember and can’t be bothered to check if I have mentioned before my distinct loss of trust. I don’t trust anyone, I don’t trust anything that seems it might be true. Everything can change in a moment. I wish I could trust, because my world would be so much easier. But really, it seems like it’s just a path that leads to certain pain.

I hope today does not go worse than I expect it. I do not expect a good day, but I hope it does not go even worse.

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