Written by Emma on June 14th, 2004

Hi, I am Depressed

Lately, life has been good, and I have been shitty. I’ve just been really down and out.. everything is dragging me down and some of it i know isn’t reasonable.. or anything i should even be thinking of or considering.. but it’s all dragging me down anyway. i feel useless, like nothing i does matters.. not that it really does anyway.. but did it ever? and i feel worthless.. just to everyone. i cant see any value in myself, as a person, and my self-esteem in every way sinks day by day. i dont know what’s causing it.. just life i guess. i suspect some of it is just stupid family shit, as usual. i was walking lady today and thinking.. and i was like.. ‘emma you have no excuse to be anything but happy.. everybody has deals will all this and is fine..’ and then i got jealous of all my friends who dont have fucked up families.. though i know that it’s not an unusual thing.. the one person i know who has/had a family as screwy as mine didnt make it through so hot either.. but they’re fine now too, so i should be, right? right. except i’m not. i should go to bed, because i was up late last night talking to kathy and it’s up at 5:45 again tomorrow for observations at AMH.. two tomorrow.. maybe three if dr.woolf guilt-trips me into it.. but i dont see the point of sleeping.. even cleaning up my bed to make it able to be slept on..

ARGH things are just getting to me so much right now. i cant put it into words.. i’m half afraid to. i’d probably get put into some psycho intitute.. in the least i’d scare some people and probably hurt some people’s feelings. i just want to go lay on my bed and be alone forever and ever and forget anybody else exists so i can stop feeling so unwanted, so i can pretend that nobody wants me anyway, but i know i cant do that.. i’m too dependent on the world, on seeing friends online and stuff… i know if somebody called i’d answer, because i couldnt ignore someone giving me enough thought to call, even if i’d told myself i wouldnt, so i could prove i was fine and didnt need anybody, really, and i had a life, and was busy, and did things. everything is stupid, and i’m lost, and confused, and sad. i’m tired, i want to hide. i dont feel like emma anymore, i dont even know who i am. i’ve lost my confidence, my humour, my bouncy happy personality. i’m just a lump with long brown hair.

diagnosis: depressed

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