I’m so full of anger. And I have no patience. Everything that anybody does irritates me, and I’m constantly impatient. I wonder if maybe some part of me thinks if I can hurry things up I’ll get to ‘the good part’ – the one that doesn’t actually exist.
Do you wonder about yourself in the third person? About your mental state? I do it constantly. I’ve always felt like I’m simply an observer to my own being/thoughts. That’s why, so often, I say ‘I wonder if I think’ or ‘I wonder if some part of me thinks’. I analyse my own reactions, actions, moods, and feelings to get a grasp of what mental state I’m in, what my mind is doing behind my back. Or behind my brain. That’s really the only way I can gauge myself. Is that normal? It never occurred to me that it might not be, but I realised that I don’t usually hear other people say the above two phrases nearly as often as I say them myself.
I bring this up now because I’m rather afraid. I know the inner me, the one I watch – I mean, hell, I’ve been an observer for 21 years now. But I’m not behaving or reacting like past experience dictates that I should. And I’m kind of scared. I can’t explain why, and I don’t know why. I’m empty, cold, and angry. Every single person I interact with, from acquaintances (ok, I’m lying, make that singular) at school to a girl sitting near me in the library to the cashier at the store, infuriates me. Thankfully I’ve enough self control to keep my cool and behave as normally as possible.
But all that anger.
I don’t let myself think of anything. Anything but L&O; and hw. I deny myself thoughts of anything else. Repress, hold in, dismiss. Any of you who know me well, know this isn’t normal. No, no – I’m the one who argued with my psychiatrist so strongly last year that I couldn’t take anti-depressants because then I wouldn’t feel things fully, as I believe everyone should – because then you learn best and recover best. I’ve read psychology books. Repression = bad. = Crazy. = Mass murderers and such.
I think I might be on a quest to become a non-person. Watch tv, do homework. Watch tv, do homework. One – neither of those things infuriates me, like people do right now. Two – neither of those things are likely to fail me. If I can simplify my life down to that, then I need not worry about anything more.
As long as I’m busy, I can be a robot – albeit one that feels like it’s inner cogs are slipping and something is very, very wrong. When I’m not busy, I’m bottomlessly depressed and out of hope – living for tv and homework isn’t much to live for.
I wish I would go ahead and go crazy, or go dead. Head explosion, maybe. I need something to break, or something to change. Because right now I might be on the path to becoming dangerous.